If you’re a Democratic politician, don’t get anywhere near any kind of package today. If you’re a Democratic politician and you picked up a trick on Grindr, get your security to sniff his package out before you open it. If you’re Hillary Clinton and were expecting an Amazon package filled with Halloween-themed scrunchies (shut up, just let me believe that Hillary Clinton is still a scrunchie addict), don’t even think about getting near it when it arrives. Because some scary possible terrorist shit is going down.
The Secret Service said in a statement that last night, a Secret Service employee, whose job is to go through Hillary Clinton’s mail, figured out that something in the milk was a maybe a bomb. The package was sent to her home in Westchester County. A similar package was found at Barack Obama’s house in DC this morning.
Late on October 23, 2018, the Secret Service recovered a single package addressed to Former First Lady Hillary Clinton in Westchester County, New York. Early this morning, October 24, 2018, a second package addressed to the residence of Former President Barack Obama was intercepted by Secret Service personnel in Washington, DC.
The packages were immediately identified during routine mail screening procedures as potential explosive devices and were appropriately handled as such. Both packages were intercepted prior to being delivered to their intended location. The protectees did not receive the packages nor were they at risk of receiving them.
The Secret Service has initiated a full scope criminal investigation that will leverage all available federal, state, and local resources to determine the source of the packages and identify those responsible.
As Obama and Hillary get ready to film Chrissy Crocker-like YouTube videos where they scream, “HE’S NOT IN OFFICE ANYMORE AND I LOST, LEAVE US ALOOOOONE!“, the Secret Service is investigating. They’re looking at surveillance footage to see how the packages were delivered. Just a couple of days ago, an explosive device was found near the Bedford, NY home of billionaire philanthropist George Soros, who regularly donates to Democratic candies. That device was hand-delivered and the case is now with the FBI’s Joint Terrorism Task Force.
On top of all of this, CNN’s headquarters at the Time Warner Center in NYC were evacuated today after a “suspicious package” was found in the mailroom. Bitch, don’t look at me like, “Michael, it’s wrong to send Anderson Cooper love notes with your worn chonies attached to ’em.” The “suspicious package” looked like a pipe bomb and was found in the mailroom. It was reportedly addressed to CIA Director John Brennan, who is a regular contributor at CNN. And the bomb squad was called to the Sunrise, FL offices of Democratic congresswoman and former DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz after a “suspicious package” was found there.
UPDATE: Another “suspicious package” was sent to the New York office of Mr. Sandra Lee aka Governor Andrew Cuomo. And the package that was sent to Debbie Wasserman Shultz was reportedly meant for Former Attorney General Eric Holder. The office of Debbie Wasserman Shultz was supposedly listed as the return address on all the packages sent out, so the one that was sent to Eric Holder was returned to her.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders tweeted this response from the White House:
Statement on suspicious packages: pic.twitter.com/pYSbDvCvuk
— Sarah Sanders (@PressSec) October 24, 2018
Now you know that at Thanksgiving dinner, you’re going to need to make earplugs out of the cornbread when “that uncle” starts going on and on about how this is all just a staged stunt by the Dems for sympathy. Try dipping the cornbread in the thing of Country Crock your family keeps on the table (I know they do). It’ll lube up the cornbread so it goes into your ears easier.