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October 18, 2018 / Posted by:

The Giant Nose That’s Missing In Oregon!

If you’re in Oregon and called 911 for whatever reason and they still haven’t shown up to investigate whatever shit you’re calling about, then please know that they’re dealing with a much more important crime! A thousand “Nobody Nose What Happened To The Giant Nose” and “Thieves Pick Nose” headlines were snorted out after Delia Albert of Portland, OR set off the red siren over a nose thief (or thieves) stealing the mega schnoz that was making the front of her home a lot more elegant.

Delia tells The Oregonian that her husband, who works in advertising, rescued the giant nose from a dumpster last year. It was used for a photo shoot and thrown out. I was going to say that maybe the nose is the legendary Afrin nose and it’s making its triumphant return to commercials, but that doesn’t make any sense. The Afrin nose is currently living at a Mona Lisa-like spot at The Smithsonian, right?

Ever since Delia’s husband brought it home, it was living on their porch and their kids love it. When the kids woke up Monday morning and found out that their beloved front yard nose decoration was gone, they lost it, and I bet they can’t even sniffle when they cry because it makes them think of their Garden Nose.

“They burst into tears, super upset, couldn’t believe somebody would take something that didn’t belong to them. We didn’t realize how attached they were to it. It really clearly brought them a lot of joy.”

The sniffer weighs around 50 pounds so Delia says that thieves needed a car to complete the nose job. The kids gathered up their coins (literally) and are offering up a whopping $6.27 reward for the safe return of their nose. They put up fliers in their neighborhood and Delia even filed a police report. But they’re not looking to press any charges. (In the voice of Angelina Jolie in Changeling), they just want their nose back! ¬†If you’ve got any information about the missing nose, e-mail Delia at:¬†deliavalbert@gmail.com.

Hmm…. are the Alberts sure their nose was stolen? Are they sure their nose didn’t sniff out some of the powdered bad shit and dragged itself to the source to snort it up? Somebody check Lohan Beach House in Mykonos! And yes, that could be my way of trying to throw everyone off the trail of that nose. Since that nose looks like the magnificently perfect nose of one of my favorite panty creamers Adrien Brody, there’s a good chance that plastic nose is in a place nobody will ever look or ever want to look (read: my butt).

Pic: Delia Albert/Vice

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