Lana Del Rey Wants To Beat Azealia Banks’ Ass, Literally
Lana Del Rey (government name: Elizabeth Woolridge Grant) grew up in an upper middle class family in Lake Placid, NY and went to a prep school in Connecticut. But I guess those prep school kids were an extra kind of hard and taught little Lizzie how to hide razors in her hair, Crisco up her face, and knuckle a bitch in the face, because she’s obviously confident enough in her fighting skills to invite a trick over for a bona fide ass whoopin. Former rapper turned full-time shit talker (which is what I put on my tax returns next to occupation) Azealia Banks got one of those invitations after trash talking Lana on Twitter.
Kanye West is wearing a MAGA hat. Taylor Swift is twisting Republican chonies. Lady Gaga is a Best Actress Oscar front-runner. And now Lana Del Rey is threatening to go all Bad Girls Club on Azealia Banks? I don’t know what kind of backwards foolery dust is in the air, but can some fly up into the nose of Alexander Skarsgard and move him to show up at my apartment the next time I go fishing for some anonymous fuck and dump action on Grindr?
This question mark-summoning wreck all started over Kanye West rubbing chodes with Donald Trump. When Kanye proudly wore a MAGA hat on Instagram and said we need to get rid of the 13th amendment, Lana slammed him in the comments, calling him delusion, narcissistic and in need of an intervention. That same day, Azealia proved that she’s no longer in the music industry and just shits at the mouth on the sidelines with the rest of us by coming at Lana Del Rey for Lana’s comments to Kanye.
Between women as there is between sexes. Don’t use Kanye for your own vapid attempts to seem politically aware when there is SO MUCH MORE bootleg witchcraft you could be doing to TRY and take down 45. Kanye is not your enemy or THE enemy. In fact your selective outrage
— CHEAPYXO (@SHOPCHEAPYXO) September 30, 2018
Makes YOU. The enemy. You approve of ASAP rocky because his victims weren’t white. You’re exactly the kind of thought police Kanye is fighting against….
— CHEAPYXO (@SHOPCHEAPYXO) September 30, 2018
Azealia has both time on her hands and a desperate need to feel her veins with attention, so she kept poking at Lana and wrote this in an Instagram Story:
Now I dare you to challenge me on any of my opinions “witch” @lanadelrey. You aren’t built for battle… I suggest you apologize to Kanye West immediately.
I’m tried of white women in Hollywood and their fake ass innocent agendas. These bitches will take any opportunity to make themselves seem more righteous in regards to black men who don’t bow down to their vapid ‘social power’ or more civilized and respectable than the black women that have a REAL reason to be angry.
Lana Del Rey took the bait and broke out of her usual sleepy stoner haze to channel her inner 13-year-old hood rat and challenge Azealia to a beat down.
@shopcheapyxo u know the addy. Pull up anytime. Say it to my face. But if I were you- I wouldn’t.
— Lana Del Rey (@LanaDelRey) October 9, 2018
I won’t not fuck you the fuck up. Period.
— Lana Del Rey (@LanaDelRey) October 9, 2018
Banks. u coulda been the greatest female rapper alive but u blew it. dont take it out on the only person who had ur back.
— Lana Del Rey (@LanaDelRey) October 9, 2018
That’s all it took. I don’t need to tell you that Azealia responded with approximately 9,000 tweets, because again, her life bars energize when she trends on Twitter and she’s got nothing but time. Azealia slapped back by coming for Lana’s looks and giving her beauty advice:
First, we need her to call the surgeon who did her pointy Michael Jackson nose and ask for some kybella for those chicken patties!!’ Next we need her to head over to Instagram and invest in some @FlatTummyCo lollipops and a $20 waist trainer!
— CHEAPYXO (@SHOPCHEAPYXO) October 9, 2018
Step Three: turn your head to the side, open your mouth, and agitate the dick with the tip of one in your mouth, and the tip of the other in your ear.
— CHEAPYXO (@SHOPCHEAPYXO) October 9, 2018
When you are finished. Be sure to collect the semen ejected from said dicks, and massage this liquid into your aging white lady skin. This is an excellent way to fill the wrinkles left behind by expired botox.
— CHEAPYXO (@SHOPCHEAPYXO) October 9, 2018
Oh, Azealia, Azealia, don’t quit your day job as an unemployed attention whore and get into the beauty game. Because as someone who has tried your facial recipe many, many times, I’ve still got wrinkles. The Elizabeth Arden of jizz, you ain’t.
Lana replied with this:
I’ll send you my surgeon’s number and a good psychiatrist I know in LA – your psych meds aren’t working #uneedanewcocktail
— Lana Del Rey (@LanaDelRey) October 9, 2018
Azealia replied with a threat to call a lawyer she probably can’t afford:
Should I be extra white woman and sue Lana for threatening me? I thiiiiiink soo ! ?
— CHEAPYXO (@SHOPCHEAPYXO) October 10, 2018
Where’s the pull up tweet? I’m talking to my lawyer
— CHEAPYXO (@SHOPCHEAPYXO) October 10, 2018
And finally, Lana doubled down on wanting to
Tell him it’s a promise not a threat
— Lana Del Rey (@LanaDelRey) October 10, 2018
The only winner in this feud is Flat Tummy for getting free promo.
But really, which witch would come out as the winner in this fight? On one hand, Lana could paralyze Azealia by crooning out one of her coma-inducing soothing ballads. But on the other hand, Azealia would probably pull out a chicken and threaten to cut off its head while casting a spell on Lana. And that’d make Lana say, “Okay, okay, don’t kill that chicken and get blood all over my driveway. I just got it paved.”
Pics: Wenn.com