Dakota Johnson is probably not carrying a Coldplay fetus in her womb, but now we know what Chris Martin’s face looks like when he busts a raw nut up into someone. Strangely enough, that’s also the face I make when thinking of Chris Martin busting a raw nut up into anyone.
TMZ started the rumor today that 41-year-old wilted piece of celery leaf Chris Martin and 29-year-old dried water chestnut Dakota Johnson made a baby together. Their evidence was a party at Chris’ mansion yesterday. They think it was a gender reveal party because it was decorated with pink and blue balloons. And shortly after Dakota’s dad Don Johnson showed up, the string of blue balloons shot up. So TMZ thinks that was a clear sign that Dakota’s Coldplay fetus has a peen. Dakota and Chris, who have been together for a year, are exactly the kind of people who would have a gender reveal party, but her rep says it was just a party for her birthday.
Dakota’s rep tells People that she isn’t knocked up, and those pink and blue balloons were part of the decorations to celebrate her birthday, which was on October 4. Besides Daddy Don, guests included Dakota’s mom Melanie Griffith, Julia Roberts, and Sean Penn. The only thing more random than Sean Penn being at Dakota Johnson’s birthday party is Sean Penn being at a gender reveal party. Any gender reveal party. And I’m guessing that the string of blue balloons shot up because they got a boner when Don Johnson showed up. Or maybe they were trying to get as far away from Sean Penn as possible. Probably that.
So it seems like the only possible bad decision that currently bonds Dakota to Chris FOREVER is the matching tattoo she got with him. But seriously, if Dakota really was pregnant, then Goopy Paltrow would’ve immediately turned the attention back to her and her wedding by releasing pictures on Goop of she and her man partaking in an ancient marital ritual where the woman gently shoves a rose quartz yoni egg butt plug ($4,500 on Goop.com) in her man’s ass blossom as he does the same to her. We’d forget about Dakota Whatever’s baby while awww-ing at the pic where Goopy’s man has trouble inserting her yoni egg butt plug because of a stick being in the way.
And here’s recent-ish pictures of Dakota wearing a baby bump-hiding ugly coat at the Global Citizen Festival on September 29, and looking very not-pregnant at the L.A. premiere of Bad Times at the El Royale on September 22.