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October 1, 2018 / Posted by:

Five Alive!

Minute Maid first created Five Alive sometime in the very early-80s or the late-70s, and I haven’t seen a carton or frozen can thing of it in decades, but apparently it’s still for sale in lucky parts of the world (like parts of Canada). The internet tells me it’s hard to come by in the states, and if you need a Five Alive fix, you may have to whisper into the ear of the stock boy that you’re looking for some, and he’ll tell you to meet you in the back alley where he’ll sell you a carton for $50. Just make sure to taste it first, because I’m sure some shady Five Alive dealers out there are serving bunk shit made with Tang, Simply Limeade, Juicy Juice, and Tropicana.

The original Five Alive punch flavor was made up of juice from oranges, grapefruits, limes, tangerines, and lemons. It was as if an orange tree, a grapefruit tree, a lime tree, a tangerine tree, and a lemon tree all jacked off in your mouth. A delicious citrus bukkake! Five Alive came out with other punch blends like berry, tropical, and winter.

Wikipedia says that sometime in the 1980s, Madame and Wayland Flowers were the faces of Five Alive. My fingers are going to need a long rubdown and a slathering of BenGay, because I overworked them while trying to find a Five Alive ad starring Madame and Wayland Flowers. I came up with nothing. This is the first time the internet has disappointed me since I searched “Alexander Skarsgard real nudes” and only got fakes (FYI: I searched that this morning because that’s how I like to start every day). But there are many ¬†Five Alive commercials alive on the internet, like this 9 to 5-like one.

That commercial has also let me know the secret ingredient of Five Alive. So if you want to try to recreate the citrus punch magic of Five Alive, make sure to include it’s sixth and obvious secret ingredient: an 8-ball from a meth tree.

Pics: Pinterest, Reddit

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