Want your movie to languish in development hell and be cursed by The Ghost Of Freddie Mercury? Then go ahead and hire Bryan Singer. I guess the good folks over at Millennium are fresh out of scruples and aren’t afraid of no ghosts because, according to The Hollywood Reporter, they are in negotiations with Bryan to direct Red Sonja, a movie based on a Conan The Barbarian comic book spinoff that was already made into a stupid movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Brigitte Nielsen back in 1985. Get ’em, Freddie!
It’s a bit redundant to say so, because aren’t all award shows just an excuse for fashion houses to clean out their local Fabric Barn and send a famous person down the carpet in more material than a 1980s canopy bed set? But the Emmys did see a lot of by-the-yardage last night, like on Jessica Biel, who said yes to a white Ralph & Russo dress. If you think Jessica and Justin Timberlake look like they stopped by the Emmys on their way to appearing on the top of a wedding cake, you’re not the only one.
When it comes time for us gays to be thrown into the camps, Jabba the Trump better give me the middle bunk between Ricky Martin and his hot piece of a husband for copy and pasting a Mario Kart Mushroom that is six times bigger than what Stormy Daniels claims he’s working with for real.
“Mario Kart” has been trending all day today, and at first I figured it was because there’s a new game, or it’s the anniversary of that shit, or maybe Super Mario was killed off in a tragic kart accident. It’s a billion times worse than the last one. “Where were you the day you clicked on Mario Kart on Twitter” is the moment that will haunt us all thanks to Stormy Daniels’ evil ass.
Previously on… Survivor! Tom Arnold got into a physical altercation on Sunday night at a pre-Emmy party with Mark Burnett, and Mark’s wife Roma Downey claims Tom maimed her, and Tom supposedly ripped Mark’s gold crucifix from his neck, and Survivor host Jeff Probst tried to break it up, and all the while Della Reese was looking down from heaven shaking her head saying, “I ain’t touching this mess“. The fight was over alleged Apprentice tapes of Trump allegedly saying the N-Word. Mark has allegedly been hoarding them to allegedly protect Trump.
Now that the dust has settled, Tom has filed a police report accusing Mark of battery and, according to Deadline, was bragging to everybody who would listen that the tapes had been secured and handed over to Ronan Farrow. It’s only Tuesday.
There were a lot of faces being pulled in the audience at last night’s Emmy Awards ceremony. Most of the cringing and eye rolling caught on camera (Merritt Wever staring into the camera with the dead eyes of a bored teen, Chrissy Teigen ducking out of way) appeared to be in reaction to Colin Jost’s invisible lips and Michael Che’s invisible charm. But one member of the audience looked like he was having the time of his life. In a surprise appearance, the legendary Teddy Perkins somehow managed to leave his palatial home in Atlanta and fly halfway across the country to attend the ceremony! I didn’t even realize he was still alive. I thought he had choked on a globule of ostrich egg.
Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost have yet another set of precious memories to paste in their Celebrity Relationship Milestones book that your agent gives you when you hook up with another famous person.
Last night’s next step took place at the Emmys, where Colin co-hosted with his SNL Weekend Update partner Michael Che. Scarlett and Colin made their first official red carpet debut back in April at the Avengers: Infinity War premiere, then went a little fancier a month later at the Met Gala. Last night was their official awards show couples walk on the…what color would we call the Emmy’s carpet last night? Rice Krispy Treat beige? Sure.
Scarlett wore a Balmain dress, while Colin continued to look like that one groomsman at his high school buddy’s wedding who can’t wait to run to his car and trade in his dress shoes for sneakers. But all that really matters here is ScarJo’s dress, which looks what a housekeeper at a resort would do if asked to fold bath towels into a gown instead of a swan.
Once inside, it wasn’t about Scarlett anymore. Here’s Colin and Michael’s monologue, in which they began with a shout out to the #MeToo movement.
Then they went on to talk about TV’s diversity problem. That’s when I’m sure Scarlett considered standing up and volunteering her services as a recently-woke diversity expert. “Pro tip, television: In the event you do create more diverse characters, try not to hire people that look like me to play them.”