Bill Cosby Is Going To The Chokey For At Least 3 Years

UPDATE: And now with mug shot, in case you needed a feel-good wallpaper for your phone.

Bill Cosby will have at least three years to perfect his prison Puddin’ Pop recipe (using dirty toilet water, generic brand gelatin bought from the commissary and powdered milk), because today he was hit with a 3 to 10 year prison sentence for drugging and raping Andrea Constand in 2004. And just like that, Trump crossed Cosby’s name off of the list of possible replacements in case Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination doesn’t go through.

81-year-old Bill Cosby was convicted of aggravated indecent assault in a Pennsylvania court room in April. After two days of experts pretty much saying that America’s former TV dad’s behavior toward women is uglier and grosser than the sweaters he used to wear on The Cosby Show, Judge Steven O’Neill threw down his sentence today. Cosby’s legal team was trying hard to delay his sentencing for as long as possible, so I’m surprised they didn’t get an intern to set off the fire alarm at the court house or get Cosby to fake explosive diarrhea.

Each charge that Cosby was found guilty of came with a maximum 10 year sentence, but prosecutors agreed to merge all three counts into one for his sentencing. So the maximum he could’ve gotten was 10 years. Prosecutors asked for 5 to 10 years. His defense wanted house arrest because he’s old and blind.

Judge O’Neill let Bill Cosby know that he doesn’t give one fuck about Cosby’s fame or money. Judge O’Neill also let him know he’s going to spend at least 3 years in prison but no more than 10. Cosby will move into his new home at a state prison today. One down, 5,694,989 to go. via Deadline

“No one is above the law,” O’Neil said from the bench to Cosby, who was seated just in front of him in the Montgomery County courtroom. He added that it’s no matter their “wealth, fame, celebrity or even philanthropy” — a clear dig at the latter element Cosby’s lawyers frequently brought up regarding their client’s character.

Proclaiming he felt feel a duty to “the public, the Commonwealth and the defendant,” O’Neill said there would be “no probation, no limited confinement” such as home arrest. “I am compelled to consider the guidelines,” O’Neill told the court of the prison time, which is up to four years under legislative rules in the law.

“This is a court of law and I plan to sentence you under the law,” O’Neill said.

60 women have come forward and accused Puddin’ Pop of sexual assault.

Of course Cosby’s legal team is going to file for an appeal, but they’ll have to wait for his case to move up to the state Supreme Court.

Judge O’Neill also read a trick during Cosby’s sentencing. Judge O’Neill farted on Cosby’s lawyers saying he’s too old for prison by saying that he was old when he raped and assaulted Andrea Constand. The court room probably filled up with the scent of charbroiled Jell-O powder after Judge O’Neill delivered that burn.

And to think, Bill Cosby’s journey to prison started with a Hannibal Buress stand-up act. May the TV room in Cosby’s prison play a Hannibal Buress comedy special on a loop.

Pic: Montgomery County Correctional Facility