Hot Slut Of The Day!
Again, here at Dlisted, we do not condone or endorse blatant thievery, but we do endorse (or I do anyway) foolery produced by raccoons (Exhibit: A, B, C, etc…), and quite fucking frankly, I condone blatant thievery by a criminal ball of fur who only gives a fuck about getting some deliciousness in the robber bag they call a stomach (Exhibit: A, B, etc…). That leads me to today’s HSOTD who proves that not all Canadians are polite and well-mannered creatures who are perfect houseguests. This one’s a straight-up rude bitch and makes zero apologies for it. My idol!
Jenny Serwylo of Toronto tells the Toronto Star that on Tuesday night, she was getting ready to go to bed when she heard some noises coming from her kitchen. Jenny went to investigate and found a band of Goldilocks’ raccoon cousins stealing her food. Jenny grabbed a broom to shoo their thieving asses out, and two of them skedaddled off. But today’s HSOTD is the anti-Canadian Bonnie Parker, because trick ain’t running from shit, let alone a stupid broom being wielded by the likes of Jenny!
The DGAF hero chilled out behind Jenny’s toaster oven (above) and nibbled on some English muffins while throwing her, “Trick, try ME”, eyes. Jenny was smart and decided not to try to tussle with a motherfucker who is just daring you to mess with ’em. She called 311, but the city told her to call a 24-hour wildlife removal company. None answered her call, so Jenny had two choices: 1. Try to tussle with the bread bandit again. Or 2. Pack up her things, hand her keys over to the bread bandit, and move out. Strangely enough, Jenny went with option 1.
She growled and hissed at the raccoon while waving the broom. The raccoon must’ve gotten tired of her dramatics, because every now and again the bread bandit would grab and yank the broom like, “Calm down, drama queen, I’m trying to eat the bread I stole from you in peace.” Once the bread bandit ate up all of the bread in Jenny’s kitchen, the raccoon calmly exited out through the kitchen window like nothing. I’d like to think that even Jenny stood back like, “What a badass bitch.”
Jenny quickly locked up the windows, but I guess those thieves weren’t done, because they wanted back in.
That didn’t stop the group from spending the next two hours scratching to get back in.
“Hopefully, my locks hold,” Serwylo said.
The experience was “hilarious,” she said, if also a little scary. “It was the most Toronto thing that’s ever happened.”
The whole traumatic experience lasted over 30 minutes. No word if the bread bandit was arrested by the cops after getting their bloated furry body stuck in a sewer grate.
As far as we know, those thieves are still on the loose, so hide yo carbs! And if they just so happen to head southwest and break into the apartment of a certain skinny fat blogger in the middle of the night to eat his entire bread stash, they’re going to be pissed when they find me on the kitchen floor shoving my feelings (bagels and Milanos) into my mouth while crying. My middle-of-the-night depression fits got your number, you thieving hussies!
Pic: Jenny Serwylo