Lily Allen’s new memoir, My Thoughts Exactly, goes on sale next week and it’s got the celebrity substance abuse sadness stories that are really the only reason to write a memoir. No one cares what elementary school you went to, but they do want to read about the time you were giving Orlando Bloom a lap dance at Kate Hudson’s 2014 Halloween party in L.A. and knocked yourself out cold after accidentally head-butting him. Yep, Lily did that. The Sun got a hold of an advance copy of Lily’s book and wrote about the time that she was in such bad shape that the consciously uncoupled Paltrow-Martins had to take her under their assuredly rare and overpriced wing.
In a new bit from the international escort community’s favorite john’s new book, we learn that Coldplay frontman Chris Martin played Captain Save-A-Ho for Lily by escorting her home that night and leaving a note to call him in the morning. Lily writes that Chris and Gwyneth Paltrow, were already consciously uncoupled at that point. Trust that a next-day hungover, groggy Lily Allen (probably with buffalo chicken dip remnants in her hair and sour beer breath) was probably a joy to hang with after finally logging off of his marriage to Goop.
Lily spoke to the The Guardian about the story and revealed that Chris was all gentlemanly and invited her over for lunch and a healing walk in his and Gwyneth’s garden the next day.
“They’ve got this amazing garden that goes from the top of the cliff down to the sea. Chris was so full of energy, he grabbed me and was like, ‘Come on! I want to take you for a walk.’ I was like, ‘OK.’ He’s very sweet for taking the time.”
That day, Gwyneth and Chris tried to get Lily in touch with their “marriage counselor” in an effort to get her some help.
“I didn’t go, but it was the wake-up call I needed,” she explains. “I realized I was ill.”
“I was behaving in a way that was the opposite of being sexually liberated or free, I was trapped in a cycle,” she writes. “I was addicted to the drink and drugs I was consuming and the sex I was chasing.”
Lily says she’ll “always be grateful” to Chris for his help.
That was nice of Chris. You know Paltrow practically defined the word “begrudgingly” on that day. She probably tried to sell Lily overpriced Carerra Marble nipple rings that re-align your addictive behavior chakra or some stupidity and Lily declined. Gwynie probably marched back up the beach garden to get on the horn and demand that the GOOP product team work harder on designing new bullshit with which to hoodwink rich ladies.