I’m sorry everyone, the world’s most relevant and inspiring couple, Michael Lohan and Kate Major Lohan, have broken up. Tragic! Does true love even exist anymore? First Lil Xan and Noah Cyrus and now this? My heart just can’t take it.
The Blast is reporting that Kate filed papers in Florida yesterday to legally make her a divorcee, claiming that the four-year marriage was “irretrievably broken”. I think Michael Lohan has a few relationships in his life which can be described as “irretrievably broken”.
Kate has requested to retain majority custody of their two kids, 5-year-old Landon and 3-year-old Logan, but is “willing to share the legal responsibility with Lohan.” AKA: she wants the kids and the child-support and Michael needs to pay for the legal expenses in divorcing him. She’s going for the full-monty divorce combo. Kate and Michael both temporarily lost custody of their children in 2015 because well, Child Services knew that a dried coke booger would make a better parent. They later got custody back.
These two have been “irretrievably broken” since the beginning, always getting into messy, violent fights. Recently Kate tried to get herself picked up on the MLB roster by chucking a glass candle at Michael’s face. Charges were dropped because there wasn’t enough evidence and because Michael said he didn’t want his wife prosecuted. Welp, bet he regrets that decision now. Can’t divorce you and take all your money when you’re spending time in the Florida Women’s Reception Center.
And in case you thought there wasn’t a statement from one of these two hot messes: there is. Michael gave a pretty lengthy note to The Blast and here it is:
Kate and I went to a mediation attorney to work out the terms of the divorce but her lawyer pulled a fast one and went behind my back. I guess he wants publicity and to make money. Isn’t that always the case? After all, he’s doing it for nothing and asking for legal fees from me. Hmmmm! Case and point!
If he wants publicity, he’ll get it but what I have is 10 times more than the world has seen. I’m not out to sling mud or prove my case, but he better think twice before he destroys his client.
Prepare yourselves for Michael to reclaim his youth post-break up and head to Lohan Beach Club for a Eat, Pray, Love-inspired trip where he can reconnect with his daughter Lindsay Lohan and they can dance like two chronically-wasted housewives into the sunset.