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September 4, 2018 / Posted by:

Aspen Soda!

If your brain operates on dirty gutter water like mine, then when you see “Aspen Soda,” you see “Asspeen Soda” first and then imagine what the taste of Asspeen Soda would taste like. And depending on whose ass and peen we’re talking about, it could taste like either heaven and the kiss of an angel or a maggot shit clinging to rotten brisket and mold on cheese. Either or! But we’re not talking about Asspeen Soda, we’re talking about Aspen Soda, which was the ancestor of Splice Soda.

In 1978, PepsiCo decided that what palates truly needed was some apple soda. Now, I never got to taste Aspen Soda, but I’m guessing it tasted like watered down Martinelli’s. So while Martinelli’s is a refined sparkling beverage for special occasions like Christmas, the losing of your virginity, and a visit from THE QUEEN, I’m guessing that Aspen Soda was more for casual occasions. Sadly in the late-70s, apple-flavored soda wasn’t causing tongues to drag their humans to the grocery stores to pick up Aspen Soda. Because it only lasted four years and Pepsi Co. threw Aspen Soda into the compost pile in 1982. PepsiCo decided it wasn’t done trying to make apple soda happen, and in 1984 they debuted Splice Soda, which is still around.

But while Splice may have lasted longer than Aspen, there’s no way it could every touch the glamour and beauty of Aspen’s commercials. Step into the winter glamour extravaganza of Aspen’s commercial. Dynasty didn’t exist in 1980, but if it did, Alexis Carrington would definitely sip on Aspen Soda. That’s how opulent it was.

And in 1979, Aspen conjured up some crisp elegance. The adonis in this commercial… I just want to shrink myself and lounge on his sumptuous bear rug brows while delicately sipping on some Aspen Soda.

Now when you find yourself strolling through a gorgeous winter wonderland with a dark-haired god of pure sex after horseback riding, what are you supposed to quench your thirst with? Not a Splice! Those two winter beauties probably later died of dehydration because they didn’t have an Aspen to drink. RIP a sparkling world of refreshment.

Pic: @BringBackAspen

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