Pete Davidson Thinks Ariana Grande Is Going To Dump His Ass One Day 

Pete Davidson, who is young and also in Hollywood, is on one of the covers of Variety‘s Power of Young Hollywood issue looking like Eminem stopped eating, and in it he talked a lot about his life. He talks about comedy, growing up, that girl he’s seeing… what’s her name again? …Hmm, was it in the news? Hmmm, oh yeah, Ariana Grande.

Pete talked about popping the big question which launched a million and one celebrity blog posts, and how he’s worried that Ariana is with him because she got hit on her ponytail and is one day going to wake up and kick him out of her $16 million apartment. Don’t worry Pete, if she ever kicks you out it will probably be in song, so you can boogie a little as you pack your sneakers and bongs.

“We were in bed hanging, after watching a movie. I was like, ‘Will you marry me?’ It was really dope… I’m still convinced she’s blind or hit her head really hard. [One day] something is going to happen, and she’s going to be like, ‘What the fuck is this thing doing around?’ For right now, it’s rocking.”

That’s how to measure a successful relationship these days, let’s be real. Is it working out for now? As in the next fifteen minutes? Yes? Success!

Pete, who has talked a lot about his mental health struggles in the past, also opened up more about them and got darker when talking about how he tried to drown himself when he was 9 years old. Pete deals with life’s bullshit by admittedly smoking immense amounts of weed (same) as well as turning off all his social media and living his actual life (can’t relate):

“The internet is evil, and I don’t like how it affects me… I don’t like how the internet is a place where anybody can shit on you and make anything up. I’ve worked really hard to get my brain to this place. I can’t go online like everybody else because it’s just a fuck-fest. And now I get to enjoy my life.”

Pete may hate the internet dragging him 99.9% of the time for inducing their gag reflexes with his sappy social media love notes to Ariana, but he definitely appreciates the other side of the Internet. You know, the one that’s obsessed with his supposed immense dick?

“I don’t hate it… I’m just really, really happy, and if that means I have big-dick energy, then sick… My favorite thing was my mom was like, ‘Peter, they’re saying you had a big penis just like your father.’ What the fuck!”

Dick energy all up in this family tree. Now we know why he always wears his pants so low. Literally it’s just the length of his hanging dick! Pete also squeezes in one last deliriously disgusting comment about Ariana:

“I never thought I’d meet anyone like her… I can’t even put into words how great of a person she is. I could cry. She’s the fucking coolest, hottest, nicest person I’ve ever met… I’m fucking living the goddamn dream… I feel like I’m living in a fantasyland.”

Well, congratulations to everyone involved here. Congrats Pete on living in a $16 million Fantasyland of young love. And congrats also to you, Ariana, for all that big dick.

Pic: Variety.