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August 27, 2018 / Posted by:

Bad Case of Worms!

Next to saying, “Two cheeseburgers, a six-piece Chicken McNugget, and a large fries,” the phrase that dribbles out of my talk hole the most is probably, “Oh, the 80s!” Because so many works of bona fide foolery have come out of the gaping asshole of the 1980s. Case in point: A Bad Case of Worms!

Only in the 1980s would parents actually pay for a bad case of worms for their kids. Nowadays, if  you want a bad case of worms, you eat something from Chipotle or make out with Post Malone. But in the 80s, you could buy a Bad Case of Worms at the store. It was either the pre-cum drop of the 1980s known as 1979 or the dawn of the 1980s when Mattel first started selling Bad Case of Worms.

This might cause your brain cells to combust, but Bad Case of Worms was basically a case with worms in it. The worms were gooey and sticky rods of rubber and they came in different colors like green, orange, and pink. You threw them against the wall, and they were supposed to stick and slowly crawl down that shit. But many times, those lazy, drunk worms just dropped to the ground. And if you had carpet and stepped on one, its rubbery guts would forever be embedded in your rug, and every time your mom looked at it, she’d curse Mattel and herself for buying that mess, and then she’d throw gasoline and a match on the carpet in a fever rage and your entire house burned down. Bad worms indeed!

Bad Case of Worms didn’t last long, and I’m guessing it’s because parents realized that instead of spending their hard-earned money on Bad Case of Worms, they could wow their stupid easily-entertained kid by throwing al dente spaghetti noodles at the wall. And yes, I still scream, “Ohmygawd, it’s sticking to the wall! That’s magic,” whenever I throw an al dente spaghetti noodle at the wall.

Pics: Do You Remember?, eBay

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