A Stick-In-The-Mud Company Fired Its Farting Security Guard
Meet Paul Flart (also known as Doug). Paul is a happy-go-lucky guy in Florida who was hired to be the security guard at a local hospital. People figured out Paul was a real ham and decided to make him the first person people saw when they walked in because he was such a jovial dude. Well, somewhere in that timeframe, Paul must have gone overboard on the kidney beans at the cafeteria because he let out an octave from his butt trumpet and…EUREKA! He discovered the acoustics in that hospital welcoming hall rivaled that of Carnegie Hall.
Paul spent six months ripping the most epic of cheek sneezes, and the Internet couldn’t get enough. His ass (literally) went viral, and he amassed thousands of followers tuning in to see his looks of shock, glee, and sometimes embarrassment of those ass claps. Alas, Paul’s boss didn’t have time for Paul’s ass antics, and he got fired. Luckily for us, Paul filmed it…and has a future planned!
Vice says Paul got his working name because he kinda looks like Kevin James and it’s a riff on Paul Blart: Mall Cop. He has about 55,000 followers on Instagram when I checked, and who can blame them for joining the #flartarmy when he’s posting months of flatulence masterpieces like this:
It’s unclear if there was an uptick in business in the cardiac wing from those passing through Paul’s welcoming stank at the front door over his six-month tenure at the Florida hospital, but he sure seems happy letting them rip. Unfortunately, not everyone appreciates a good fart fest, and his superior fired their prized butt trumpet, which you can see here:
Per the boss, it sounds like there were 75 fart clips floating around the Internet, and I’m sure their executive board spent more time deliberating whether to fire Paul than the jury did on whether or not to convict Paul Manafort: “On the one hand, we have a bunch of grannies who can’t breathe and have busted eardrums each time he lets one go, on the other…things haven’t been this fun around here since they introduced lime Jell-O at the cafeteria!”
If Paul seems calm during that firing video, it’s because he’s a man with a plan. He’s already enlisting friends to make music videos and merchandise surrounding his penchant for a well-timed public poot. And if that doesn’t work, maybe he can get a job at a library – talk about good fart acoustics!
Pic: YouTube