Up until yesterday if you went to the definition of “vengeance” on Merriam-Webster.com, you’d find this looking at you:
: punishment inflicted in retaliation for an injury or offense : retribution
If you went there today, you’d find this:
A movie with an all-Asian cast easily beating a shit movie starring a dried-up butt plug dingle who once half-blinded an Asian man in a violent racist attack.
Because Crazy Rich Asians is the current reigning head bitch of the domestic box office after bringing in a little over $25 million this weekend. It’s brought in a total of around $34 million since opening last Wednesday. CRA had a production cost of $30 million. It’s the first all-Asian major Hollywood movie to come out since the Joy Luck Club twenty five damn years ago. The sweetened cherry is that CRA whooped the cold shit out of Marky Mark’s Mile 22, which stank up the box office with the smell of turd by making only $13.6 million. Marky Mark pouting and getting mad in the face over a bunch of Asians checking him at the box office is my idea of beautiful visual poetry. Although, Mile 22 also stars Indonesian action star Iko Uwais, so Marky is probably thinking, “See, I try to make g’ud with yooze people by putting one of you yooze in my movie and this is what happens!”
I saw CRA on opening night, and it has everything I want in a movie: glamour, opulence, intrigue, elegant goddesses in feathers throwing each other shank eyes, and scalding hot man nipples. It also has my favorite character from the books, Kitty Pong, making Ariana Grande reach for the haircutting scissors by working a spectacular high-ponytail that touched the toes of the angels. So I’m happy that it’s on top. Here’s what the top 10 looked like this weekend via Box Office Mojo
- Crazy Rich Asians – $25.2 million
- The Meg – $21.2 million
- Mile 22 – $13.6 million
- Mission: Impossible – Fallout – $10.5 million
- Alpha – $10.5 million
- Disney’s Christopher Robin – $8.9 million
- BlacKkKlansman – $7 million
- Slender Man – $5 million
- Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation – $3.7 million
- Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again – $3.4 million
In a couple of years, China is going to take North America’s title as the movie ticket-buying capital of the world, so many American movies make a huge pile of money there. But CRA has yet to get a release date in China and they’re waiting to find out if the powers-that-be approve them to be released there. (China only allows 34 foreign movies to open there a year.)
So because Crazy Rich Asians is a hit, does this mean that Hollywood will do more all-Asian movies, or does it mean they’ll consider it a fluke and The Joy Luck Club reboot is going to star Emma Stone, Scarlett Johansson, Tilda Swinton, and Jennifer Jason Leigh (hey, her last name is “Leigh,” the execs of Hollywood probably think she’s part Asian). Probably the second one.
And Jon M. Chu, the director of CRA, also directed (and by directed, I mean slaughtered into a million pieces) the Jem and the Holograms movie. So because he didn’t fuck up the CRA movie, I am going to temporarily stop stabbing his voodoo doll with a light-up Synergy earring for ruining Jem. I said temporarily.
Pic: Warner Bros.