Hot Slut Of The Day!
By popular demand, Mary Halsey, Missy Elliott’s white lady stand-in!
Up until yesterday, Blu Cantrell was the most famous musical artiste to come out of Rhode Island (bitch, don’t act like Hit ‘Em Up Style [Oops!] isn’t an important classic), but her title as Rhode Island’s most famous (and greatest) musical artiste has been snatched away by Mary Halsey, the white hot hip hop queen of West Warwick!
Two weeks ago, Mary Halsey proved that she’s a fire-spitting rap dragon in nurse scrubs when she posted a Facebook video of her adding her own flavor to Missy Elliott’s Work It at a BBQ in the park. I’m guessing that Mary’s hot skills set fire to the trees around her and caused cars to combust, but most of us didn’t learn about this bad bitch jewel of a video until Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott herself tweeted about it and gave it up for her funky white sister Mary “Felony” Halsey. Mary Felony is my favorite Melissa McCarthy character of all-time!
I just found out I have a FUNKY WHITE SISTER???? forreal doe??& she brought her home girl with her from da hood that keep tip toeing in the background with a plate of food? yo I’m done!? but she straight killed “Work It” sound effects & all?? I love it??? pic.twitter.com/Rg9TTHAqu2
— Missy Elliott (@MissyElliott) August 8, 2018
Mary said on Facebook that the homegirl from da hood is Lynn, and Lynn had an extra bright spark in her step because she was eating on some fermented fruit.
Mary’s video has gotten over 7.5 million views so far, and after she instantly became Rhode Island’s baddest rapper, she made the media rounds. Mary works in a nursing home, and not only did she bring the horniness with her tip-moistening performance, but she also brought an actual horn with her. That horn is a Shofar horn, usually used for Jewish religious purposes. It was also used for a religious purpose when Mary Felony performed with it, because this shit took me up, up into the heavens.
The entire performance is below. Unless you’re a lucky ho who gets to spend four-and-a-half minutes sucking Idris Elba off this week, this video will be the greatest four-and-a-half minutes of your week, if not month.
Because of that mumbling and growling, Mary Felony sort of sounds like a toothless and sedated Sam Kinison, and who knew the sound of a toothless and sedated Sam Kinison would be my favorite cover of Work It.
If Mary Felony performs that hit for her patients, we’re soon going to hear about how many residents of a nursing home in Rhode Island have been miraculously cured of their ills. Because if those oldies are like me, all their aches and pains will suddenly go away from listening to a nursing home employee from Rhode Island rapping about shaving her chocha. Fuck the cocoons, Mary Felony is the cure!
Pic: Facebook