You might as well clutch your My Buddy doll (or 80s toy of your choice) to your chest, crawl back inside your mother, and pretend you’ve never been born. Because it’s been announced that Sony Pictures TV, along with Leonardo DiCaprio and Jessica Biel’s production companies, are in the early stages of giving The Facts of Life the reboot treatment.
Entertainment Weekly says that Appian Way (Leo’s) and Iron Ocean (Jessica’s), are joining forces to produce the re-do. No reps are responding to inquiries about the project.
1980/1990’s re-makes have been trying to damage our psyches for a while now, most recently with Roseanne (now titled: The Conners), Will & Grace, and Murphy Brown. But the original The Facts of Life was perfection and should have a Harry Potter-sized protection spell around it. The moral lessons instilled by housemother Mrs. Garrett (Charlotte Rae) week after week were better than any job our parents could’ve done, and the cast was a perfect blend of boarding school stereotypes: Blair (Lisa Welchel) as the unaware spoiled little rich bitch, Jo (Nancy McKeon) as the tough wrong-side-of-the tracks fish-out-of-water, Natalie (Mindy Cohn) as the lovable and clueless chub hiding her pain behind a smile, and Tootie (Kim Fields) as the roller skating big mouth who always gave up your secrets (that annoying twat!).
In the later years of the show, new cast members including hot handyman hunk George Clooney and my personal favorite little ginger spunk Mackenzie Astin were introduced. And who can forget Geri Jewell, not only the hottest name ever, but one of the first faces on a sit-com with a disability (cerebral palsy). The Facts Of Life was a show that just kept giving, and yes, I’m wiping away tears right now.
If Leo and Jessica want to strike gold and not ruin all of our precious childhood feels, they should instead pick up right where The Facts of Life left off, and Edna’s Edibles is now a legal weed candy shop run by the stoner kids of Blair, Jo, Natalie, and Tootie. The first episode can address the panic of the global weed gummy shortage, and which cast member gets to bone handyman’s George hot handyman son. Now that may be something worth watching.