The other day, Nicole Kidman got an unwanted guest in the form of a tiny, scary creature with beady eyes. It wasn’t Tom Cruise. It was a tarantula who made its way into her backyard, causing her children to age about 60 years (they’re currently baby abuelitas and relaxing from the trauma in their cabanas at Shady Pines). Nicole posted a video on Instagram of one of her daughters screaming, “GET BACK!”, as she took on the hairy terror. Nicole’s daughter screaming “GET BACK!” is the ringtone I’m going to use with people whose call I don’t want to answer. Strangely enough, “GET BACK!”, is also what Nicole’s assistant screams at her every time “The Ex” comes up on her phone’s caller ID.
Even though Nicole’s daughters were dramatically freaking out, she kept calm and caught the tarantula. Of course Nicole is an expert spider catcher. Back in the day, she’d catch a tarantula with her bare hands and force it to bite into her forehead. Tarantula venom is totally nature’s Botox.
But really, Nicole has probably touched John Travolta’s wild wig, and she’s definitely seen many a Scientologist sloppily eat Tom Cruise’s ass (and I mean that both figuratively and literally), so a little tarantula ain’t shit to her. And how she caught the tarantula is the same way she used to deal with Tommy when they were married. Every time Tommy threw a fit that annoyed her, she’d put a little cup over him and refuse to let him out until he calmed down. So really, Nicole has Tommy to thank for catching that tarantula.