Drama Queen Thomas Markle has finally been Heismaned out of his daughter Duchess Meghan‘s life. No, Meghan hasn’t had the peasants of her newly adopted country install a deep moat of fire water and hungry crocodiles with 10 foot poisoned tip spikes embedded on their backs around the Palace, but her dad says that she and the Royal Family have completely ex-communicated him and there’s no way for him to get in touch with her.
Thomas says the phone lines are dead when he calls and Meghan would be better off if he were six feet under. If that ain’t some Jewish mother guilt right there, I don’t know what is, and he is bringing it by the bucket loads. The Daily Mail recently held a three day interview with Thomas at his home in Rosarito, Mexico, and either grab the tissues or start exercise your eye rolling muscles right now, because it’s all kinds of melodrama.
Meghan blocking Thomas’s number is surprising only to him, since we’ve all seen coming when he staged pap pics in Mexico, faked a heart attack, and didn’t attend Meghan’s wedding in May. He may be in denial, but like some Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez shit, this time the break up looks like it’s going to stick.
‘I’m really hurt that she’s cut me off completely. I used to have a phone number and text number for her personal aides at the Palace, but after I said a few critical words about the Royal Family changing Meghan, they cut me off.
‘Those numbers were disconnected, they no longer work. I have no way of contacting my daughter,’ he says.
‘It’s her birthday on August 4 and I want to send her a card. But if I send a birthday card to Kensington Palace, or wherever she’s living now, it’ll just be one among thousands. She’ll probably never see it.
‘I thought about sending it by Priority Mail Express, but the Palace would probably just soak it in water for three days to make sure it doesn’t explode.’
He was willing to go all out on Priority Mail Express, and that heartless harpy Meghan would still turn her back on him. Also, I just learned that you should soak a letter in water for three days to make sure it’s not a bomb – that’s good science.
Thomas went on about his sadness at missing out on knowing any of his future grand babies as well, since, you know, he’s been such an amazing father and can’t wait to do it all again with any future little Royal gingers.
He also spoke of his daughter’s longing for a baby. Mr Markle believes his candour led to him being frozen out: ‘What’s sad is that some time in the next year Meghan and Harry will have a baby and I’ll be a grandfather, and if we’re not speaking I won’t see my grandchild.
‘How tragic is that, to deprive a child of its grandfather because I said a few things critical of the Royal Family?
‘They’re just like a Monty Python sketch. Say a few critical words about the Royal Family and they put their fingers in their ears, cover their eyes and pull the blinds down. They don’t want to know about it.
He also suffers from heart problems and says, astonishingly, that it might be better for his daughter if he died: ‘It’s lucky I’m still alive.
‘The men in my family rarely live over 80 so I’d be surprised if I had another ten years. I could die tomorrow.
‘It wouldn’t be so bad. I have something of a Buddhist philosophy about death. Perhaps it would be easier for Meghan if I died.
‘Everybody would be filled with sympathy for her. But I hope we reconcile. I’d hate to die without speaking to Meghan again.’
He really should have just left it there, because he was going out on top with that considerate offer to die. But no, he had to bring it back around to the real mess that got him ex-communicated in the first place:
‘I tell you, I’ve just about reached my limit with Meghan and the Royal Family. They want me to be silent, they want me to just go away. But I won’t be silenced.
‘I refuse to stay quiet. What riles me is Meghan’s sense of superiority. She’d be nothing without me. I made her the Duchess she is today. Everything that Meghan is, I made her.’
It’s a shame that Thomas and his other kids have been banned from being on British Reality TV, because how good would a house full of Markles under 24 hour surveillance be? Throw a few Lohans in there and you’ve got Prime Time gold!