If you need a momentary break from the ongoing crappenings of the #Metoo movement today, you’re in luck! Here’s a little tale of some good old fashion American racism to take your mind off of things. Wait… that doesn’t work, does it? Damn it to hell! I’m sure Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson will get some more matching tattoos soon, but first, force yourself to swallow this humdinger brought to us by Vulture.
On Friday, Actor Ving Rhames (forever Marcellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction) was a guest on SiriusXM’s The Clay Cane Show, when he was asked “How does racism show itself in your life?”. Ving responded “hold my beer” and launched into a pretty fucked up story involving the cops, a paranoid white neighbor, and a gun pulled on him inside of his own house.
One afternoon earlier this year, Ving, wearing nothing but a pair of basketball shorts for you hard up freaks, was watching ESPN on the couch of his Santa Monica house (he also owns a house in Brentwood) while his two English bulldog puppies frolicked in the backyard. Pretty idyllic, right? He thought his pups were just getting a bit too frisky, because he heard some noise outside, which was followed by a knock on the door. When he opened the front door, he had a red laser dot from a 9mm gun pointed at his face and a gang of popo had him surrounded with a police dog and weapons drawn. Faster than you can say “Le Big Mac,” he was ordered to put his hands up and come outside.
Once outside, the 6′ actor was recognized by the captain of the Santa Monica police, not for his portrayal of Shad in Striptease, but because their sons play basketball against each other for the fancy L.A. schools Crossroads and Brentwood High. As soon as the connection was made, the cops chilled out on Ving and explained that one of his white neighbors called 9-1-1 saying that a “large black man” was breaking into a house. I don’t know what strain of angel dust this neighbor was smoking, but a large black man playing with two adorable puppies while chilling out shirtless in his own house is a pretty standard “dad on the weekend” profile, and also very different from a home invasion situation.
Ving and the cops went over to the house to confront the neighbor, but she must’ve been too embarrassed to admit that she had confused the voice of Cobra Bubbles from Lilo & Stitch with a hardened criminal, and denied that she had been the one to call the cops so the matter was dropped. Ving could rightfully be pissed of about the whole thing, but he said mostly he was just scared that it could have been his kid instead of him, and the ending would have been much worse.
“What if it was my son and he had a video game remote or something, and you thought it was a gun. Just like, I don’t know, Trayvon had a bag of Skittles.”
Ving should have the last laugh and buy his neighbor’s house with all that Mission Impossible franchise dough he’s rolling in and create a puppy rescue where all the animal caretakers are shirtless black men wearing basketball shorts ruff housing with dogs all day. Then the neighbors would have no choice but to call the fire department instead of 9-1-1, it’d be so hot on the block.