Because “Mission: Impossible – Fallout” Ain’t Gonna Promote Itself, People Did A Profile On Tom Cruise 

July 25, 2018 / Posted by:

Most of us around here spend our time snickering and making Tom Cruise Scientology bathhouse jokes, but I guess the powers at People don’t see David Miscavige’s favorite minion ever giving up the Mission: Impossible gig – and an exclusive is an exclusive – so they decided to give the staff a vacation and let Tom’s team write a cover story about “private details” that really are just a giant fap fest/nothing burger of how he’s a good guy who keeps to himself.

People reminds people that we still care about Tom because he’s in the 900th MI movie and not because of his religion. Tom says that he wanted to make movies since he was four-years-old and that all he ever wanted was to find an audience…erm, I guess he briefly called off the search when he did Rock Of Ages. It then pivots to poo-pooing on celebrities on social media (something his ex-wives Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman utilize) and lauding Tom for being such an intensely private bachelor. They even got his MI costar Simon Pegg to give thoughts on such:

“He’s a mysterious figure in many ways. People speculate about him and decide the truth about him. He doesn’t really do anything. He steps back from all that.”

Y’know, many years ago “intensely private bachelor” used to mean something, but I can’t quite recall what it was. Maybe one of you can help me out. It also sounds like Tom had a real estate fire sale by shedding all the estates he had and now slums it out of hotel rooms that cost more per night than any of us will make in a lifetime. He’s gone on a couple of dates because that’s what this story had to say before he would sign off on it, but he’s said to be in the longest stretch of his life without having been in a serious relationship.

These days, Tom is renovating a penthouse in Clearwater, Florida, just a stone’s through from the Church of Scientology’s headquarters. Local sources say they see him strolling around with church staffers, and family members like his adopted son with Nicole, Connor Cruise, have moved to Clearwater, too. One who hasn’t and likely won’t is his daughter with Katie, Suri Cruise. While we have all been trained to believe Katie and Suri fled Tom in a scene reminiscent of The Handmaid’s Tale and haven’t spoken since, a mysterious source said Tom loves “all his children, and each of them has a right to their own story.” I’m sure Suri’s response is something along the lines of, “My story is I’m not moving to Florida! It’s only old farts and humidity. Do you know what that would do to this show pony hair??

Pic: People

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