“Permission to come aboard?” YOU DAMN SKIPPY, JASON MOMOA. This movie is probably a piece of vibrantly covered dookie, but whew, DC Comics’ Aquaman is fine. Here’s the trailer for his new flick which will doggy paddle into trailers this December. Just in time for Christmas – an underwater fap fantasy!
This is a superhero flick and you’ve got to use the most garish colors to distract everyone from the fact that it’s a superhero flick, but wow, that hair on Amber Heard! Retinas are bubbling! She’s playing an undersea princess, but she looks like she came out of a volcano with that molten lava wig. Stealth is obviously not one of her superpowers.
A little background for the curious few – Aquaman is Arthur Curry, the son of a lonely lighthouse keeper and a queen from Atlantis. Nicole Kidman is playing Aquaman’s mom Atlanna, but they managed not to have to move the production to the Arctic due to glaciers forming when she touched the water. Arthur ends up as a superhero and teams up with his on-again/off-again chick Mera (the one in the fire wig) to stop his half-brother Orm from waging war on the surface world for polluting the oceans. Orm is played by an unrecognizable Patrick Wilson. How polluted were those waters?
Oh, and for those of you who are watching the trailer and wondering where the hell is the blond dude from the cartoons and comics? They gave Aquaman a style and hotness upgrade a couple of years back for his first cinematic appearance in the atrocious Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of We’re Never Going To Beat Marvel At This.
It should also be noted that Dolph Lundgren is playing Amber Heard’s dad. That’s reason enough to see it in one of those $50.00 IMAX theaters where you can drink during the movie.
Pic: Warner Bros.