John Schneider Chooses Jail Time Over Paying Alimony

July 21, 2018 / Posted by:

The largest divide of the 21th Century was arguably when teenagers and horny middle aged moms alike were forced to choose between “Team Jacob” and “Team Edward.” Twilight may have destroyed friendships and ripped families apart, but 20th century historians are highlighting an even more influential rift from the early 1980’s, and that is “Team Bo” versus “Team Luke.

When it comes to Dukes of Hazard, I USED to be “Team Luke” (that is, until USA Today reported that Tom Wopat was arrested for assholery and plead guilty to sexual harassment). Now I think that “Team Bo” is righteously justified in the wringing out of their panties over 80’s heart throb John Schneider. Bo Duke fanatics the world wide will be thrilled to hear that he will soon be up for grabs on the singles chopping block. He just needs to get through a little court appointed jail time first.

People reports that John has requested jail time over paying his ex, Elvira Schneider, more than $150,000 in back alimony (just short of $19,000 per month). It’s perfect that a Duke cousin would marry a hot bitch named Elvira, but “Elly” must’ve caught him in the hay loft fooling around with cousin Daisy and uncle Jesse one too many times. They are getting divorced after 25 years of marriage. John was already sentenced to three days in jail for not paying up, but was released on the same day due to Lindsay Lohan‘s favorite loophole: “California’s overcrowded prison system.” But John wants back in. According to People:

Rather than complying with the court’s full list of conditions, however, Schneider wants to do the time.

Schneider wrote that he had “regret and embarrassment” about declining the opportunity to comply with the court’s conditions but that “I am leveraged to the max” with various loans while trying to do “what I believe is ‘right’ throughout this whole process.” He went on to reveal that Maven, an independent entity, had already made several financial advances on his behalf and his earnings have thus been diminished by his indebtedness to it.

Schneider said it was “unlikely” he would be able to comply with the conditions set forth by the court to have the charge dropped, and thus avoid his three-day jail sentence, so he instead effectively asked the court to simply lock him up for the entirety of that sentence.

“I am willing and able to accept the punishment for my actions/inactions as to this matter and I request this court to impose such sentence without further delay,” he wrote.

As much as most of us would LOVE to see our exes thrown in jail for a few days, Elvira just wants her money. She’s asking that her legal team get to cross examine John to get to the bottom of his so-called “financial woes.” Either way, John will probably have to do 240 hours of community service. I pray he does it in orange jail issued coveralls, picking up trash on the side of the road singing the Dukes Of Hazard theme on loop.

And in case you were wondering, when it comes to Daisy Duke,  John is firmly “Team Catherine Bach” over “Team Jessica Simpson.”

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