007 Is Going To Make A Visit To Thomas Markle In 3..2…

There was a time when Thomas Markle was begging his other messy family members to keep their mouths shut about Duchess Meghan and the royal family, and was worried that the royals would get mad over him refusing to keep quiet about them. Well, just like my undies whenever I see a new hot pic of Prince Hot Ginge, Daddy Thomas has ripped that thought out of his brain and has gone full messy family member of a celebrity. Thomas thinks it’s really hilarious that he has the power to shut the royal family up. That cracking sound that Thomas hears outside of his Rosarito Beach house isn’t from the paparazzi he called checking their camera before shooting not-staged pics of him holding a tabloid with the royals on the cover and laughing at it. It’s Daniel Craig as James Bond cracking his knuckles while preparing to handle a bitch for THE QUEEN.

Thomas did yet another interview over the weekend where he talked to The Sun and said that he hasn’t heard from his daughter, he misses her and he’s afraid that he’ll never talk to her again since he could kiss the face of death soon. Thomas also took a bow on the ho stroll while vowing that The Sun interview would be his last.

Thomas must’ve been crossing his fingers behind his back when he said that, because his mouth made a visit to TMZ. When he heard the rumor that his daughter wasn’t happy about him talking to anyone who waves a check at him, he told TMZ that he did the interview so the royals would talk to him. He’s also blowing out his birthday cake candle with some extra sparkle today, because he’s loving that he’s got the royal family all shook up.

“Tomorrow is my birthday, 74 years old, and I’m enjoying the fact that I can make the entire Royal Family not speak and maybe I can get a laugh out of the Duchess.”

And Meghan’s half-sister Samantha Markle popped up and also got into some messy attention whore fun.

On her private Twitter account, Samantha Markle (Note: That is the first and only time I’ll write “private” and “Samantha Markle” in the same sentence) got all soap opera dramatic by spitting at Meghan for paying tribute to Nelson Mandela instead of paying tribute to their dad. Samantha also said that if Thomas Markle dies, the official cause of death will be: That Ice Cold Demonic Bitch Meghan!

“How about you pay tribute to your own father?! Enough is enough. Act like a humanitarian, act like a woman. If our father dies, it’s on you Meg!

Glad you have so much time to gallivant around paying tribute to others while ignoring your own father! How cold can you be and look in the mirror? Harry? I guess I was right.”

If Thomas and Samantha can ever pry themselves away from making deals with tabloids for interviews, they should dip into some soap opera writing, because they are delivering melodramatic gold nugget after melodramatic gold nugget.

We’ve all probably asked ourselves if our relatives would sell us out if we married a multi-millionaire prince. Well, some of my relatives would make Thomas and Samantha look like loyal, devoted, modest and humble wall flowers. But I wouldn’t mind. I wouldn’t be able to hear the sound of my relative saying that I’m killing my daddy, because I’d be too busy getting my b-hole killed by a freckled flesh scepter from a royal ginger daddy.

Pic: ITV1 via Wenn.com