Open Post: Hosted By Angela Bassett Serving Bedazzled Squished Chichis At The Paris “Mission: Impossible – Fallout” Premiere
If you want to see an ugly cluster of tragic and homely fashions and don’t have access to my closet, get into the gallery below for the Paris premiere of Mission: Impossible – Fallout yesterday. Henry Cavill wore a raggedy suit that looks like it was tailored by someone who wasn’t amused by the butt corn kernel he spit out about #MeToo. Rebecca Ferguson wore something that Breathless Mahoney would wear if Breathless Mahoney shopped at T.J. Maxx (my mom is going to double slap me down with her TJX Rewards card for this T.J. Maxx slander). And Tommy Cruise stuffed himself into the same old boring stock broker manager suit he always wears, and paired it with the same old tired cha-cha heels. But thankfully, a bright shining messy star in the form of Angela Bassett saved the drab day.
Angela’s face was snatched like a Thundercat sucking on a lemon, and she figured she’d give the kids heart palpitations by making her stylist rip the lining out of her freakum jumpsuit. I bet that even Tom Cruise stared at Angela’s goodies in that jumpsuit, but only because all those stars and shit remind him of the flight path through the galaxy he and the other high-ranking queens of Scientology are going to take when they go back to their home planet.
And that muffled scream you’re hearing is from Angela’s titty balls gasping for air as they’re being choked by bedazzled netting in the name of glamour. Seeing Angela’s smooshed chest domes makes me want to call 911 for them, and she just so happens to star in a show called 9-1-1. So she’s really promoting two projects at once. A marketing genius!