Joaquin Phoenix And Rooney Mara Are Too Alternative for Marriage

July 12, 2018 / Posted by:

UsWeekly has an update on the dead-eyed hipster love of Joaquin Phoenix and Rooney Mara.  A source says they are “so in love” but have no plans to marry:

“They’re never going to get married because they think marriage is too mainstream… Joaquin transforms all his girlfriends into being holistic, vegan, spiritual and into saving the world.”

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! That’s my red-flag warning sensor going the fuck off. Joaquin “transforms” his girlfriends? I’ve always said don’t you ever change for a man. Especially one who looks like he was lost in the woods for a decade. And what the fuck is mainstream about marriage? Only half of couples even succeed at it!

Back in April, 43-year-old Joaquin told Collider that he and his siblings all decided to hop on the vegan train after a particularly moving fishing trip: “I just had a profound strong reaction… I think that during that moment we knew that we were not going to eat meat anymore.” This is relevant information because 33-year-old Rooney, is also an animal lover. The source claims: She was recently trying to find a holistic doctor for her dog.” This is where I lost my damn mind. Would you take medical advice from someone who has never eaten a fucking pie? I didn’t think so.

Joaquin and Rooney have been living together since around September when he told The New York Times as much. The source revealed “They don’t really like to go out…. They mainly just like to be with each other as the two of them. They’re in their own bubble.”

If Joaquin is in that bubble, imagine what it smells like. No wonder Rooney always looks like she’s holding her breath in. Enjoy your bubble, you two, and enjoy avoiding the “mainstream” with your spiritually-enriching juice colonics. That kind of lifestyle leads to another kind of stream and honestly, I wouldn’t prefer it.

Here’s never-going-to-be-married-couple Rooney and Joaquin at last night’s Hollywood premiere of Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Too Far On Foot.


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