After dragging out the suspense for far too long (no, really – even 15 minutes is asking too much of people’s ability to care), Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin have both confirmed what anyone everyone already knew. And wouldn’t you know it, it was all God’s doing.
Justin confirmed the news yesterday on Instagram with a cheesy-as-all-Hell portrait of himself and his future bride. He explained that he was going to wait a while before he said anything, but who can resist Sweet Lady Publicity when she comes a-knocking, right? He also says that God planned the engagement to spiritual perfection: on the seventh day of the seventh month. Not to mention, seven years since the release of Under The Mistletoe, arguably one of the worst Christmas albums ever made. Wow, did you also just hear God’s Plan start playing? Spooky.
Was gonna wait a while to say anything but word travels fast, listen plain and simple Hailey I am soooo in love with everything about you! So committed to spending my life getting to know every single part of you loving you patiently and kindLY. I promise to lead our family with honor and integrity letting Jesus through his Holy Spirit guide us in everything we do and every decision we make. My heart is COMPLETELY and FULLY YOURS and I will ALWAYS put you first! You are the love of my life Hailey Baldwin and I wouldn’t want to spend it with anybody else. You make me so much better and we compliment eachother so well!! Can’t wait for the best season of life yet!. It’s funny because now with you everything seems to make sense! The thing I am most excited for is that my little brother and sister get to see another healthy stable marriage and look for the same!!! Gods timing really is literally perfect, we got engaged on the seventh day of the seventh month, the number seven is the number of spiritual perfection, it’s true GOOGLE IT! Isn’t that nuts? By the way I didn’t plan that, anyways My goodness does feel good to have our future secured! WERE GONNA BE BETTER AT 70 BABY HERE WE GO! “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains FAVOR from the Lord!” This is the year of favor!!!!
Hailey piggybacked on Justin’s thoughts with her own engagement confirmation, also thanking the big man upstairs for sending her an angel in tattoos and a teen dirt ‘stache.
Not sure what I did in life to deserve such happiness but I am so utterly grateful to God for giving me such an incredible person to share my life with! No words could ever express my gratitude. ❤️
— Hailey Baldwin (@haileybaldwin) July 9, 2018
God himself couldn’t be reached for comment. But he’d probably say something like “Sorry, I’ve been too busy overseeing the rescue of those 12 Thai boys. What’s this about that little Canadian brat getting married?”
Justin says he’s so excited to show his little brother and sister what a healthy relationship is. What, they’re not getting that at home with the dad who has been known to throws dogs off balconies? I’m sure Justin and Hailey will make a very good example for the younger Biebers. They’ve already taught them the most important lesson there is, that there are many Instagram models in the sea, but eventually God will direct you to one that is just fame hungry enough to put up with your annoying ass for good.