Prince Louis’ eyes aren’t closed because he’s going mimi times. They’re closed because the hideous sight of Duchess Kate’s Jessica McClintock circa 1984 puffy sleeves and the mutilated doves on her head is hurting his poor innocent eyes.
11 weeks after Prince Louis left the royal vagine and entered a luxurious world where he never has to worry about late-fees, parallel parking or pissing in the kitchen sink because his roommate has been in the bathroom forever, he has been christened. Prince Louis was christening at the Chapel Royal in St. James’s Palace in London today. Prince Louis isn’t even 3 months old and I already like him, and only because it was his first day at work as a British royal and he slept on the job. The only shit he has to give is the one he caca’d into his silk poopin’ bloomers.
Here’s a clip of the royal family (sans THE QUEEN) struttin’ toward the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Most Reverend Justin Welby (who also baptized Princess Charlotte and Prince George).
Reverend Justin Welby IS the Most. Every member of the royal family should’ve immediately stopped, pivoted and walked out the door as soon as they saw Reverend Justin Welby who outdid them all in the fashion department by wearing a stunning hat and cape with three fishes circle sucking on it (if a flying chancleta hits me in the face today, it’s the ghost of my abuelita punishing me for that). Duchess Meghan should’ve immediately changed out of her drab Ralph Lauren, and Duchess Kate should’ve definitely changed out of her Alexander McQueen grandmother-of-the-bride ensemble after seeing the Most Reverend Justin’s outfit.
Here’s more of Duchess Meghan’s outfit, which was probably the same color as the doody royale Prince Louis pooted out:
— InStyle (@InStyle) July 9, 2018
And another of Prince George and his court:
A beautiful photo of the whole family together.
Prince William and Kate, Duchess of Cambridge with their children Prince George, Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis. #PrinceLouisChristening #PrinceLouis #CambridgeFamily pic.twitter.com/pyDkb7wJwl
— The Royal Family Channel (@RoyalFamilyITNP) July 9, 2018
Prince Louis wore a replica of the Royal Christening Robe which was made in 1841 for the christening of Queen Victoria’s eldest daughter, Victoria, Princess Royal. Prince George wore the seams off of that same design to his christening. So I’m shocked that Prince George didn’t show up in that same gown (you know it still fits him) ala that iconic Alexis v. Krystle scene from Dynasty, and order Prince Louis to change since George is the future king and Louis is just a second standby. Prince George must’ve been feeling charitable and let Louis have his cute little time in the shine.
Like Prince George and Princess Charlotte before him, Prince Louis has way too many godparents. He’s got six godparents (their names are here). Those royals are so fucking greedy. Six godparents means three times as many birthday, Christmas and graduation gifts… unless Prince Louis’ godparents are like mine and on his birthday, the only thing they give him is a half-assed hug before running toward the plastic garbage can full of ice and Coronas that my mom used as bait to get the grown-ups to show up.
Here’s the godparents (and a pregnant Pippa Middleton) making their way into the chapel:
— Simon Perry (@SPerryPeoplemag) July 9, 2018
Kensington Palace said in a statement that after the christening, guests ate fruit cake, which was taken from a section of Duchess Kate and Prince William’s 2011 wedding cake. (And no, Kate didn’t wear that wedding cake tier on her head.) It’s tradition to use a tier of a wedding cake as the christening cake, and usually the thought of eating a 7-year-old fruitcake would give me the heaves, but I read that it’s soaked in tons of brandy. So if I was a guest, I’d take my slice of cake, wring the booze out of it into a cup and guzzle that down until I was so drunk that I was honestly able to say to Duchess Kate, “Girl, I love that thing on your head!”