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July 2, 2018 / Posted by:

Lipton’s Make-A-Better Burger!

Every fine and highly-trained chef knows that the way to make a better burger is to sprinkle the meat with some Lipton onion soup mix. (In fact, I hear that the Michelin people won’t give a star to any chef who doesn’t have a box of Lipton onion soup mix stocked in their kitchen.) Lipton knew that a hamburger doesn’t really cause tricks to orgasm in the mouth unless it’s infused with processed Lipton powder, so in the mid-70s, they started selling Make-A-Better Burger, which was some soy protein seasoning thing that’d make the meat go farther (wink wink) and taste more delicious.

In the 70s and early-70s, I guess (in the voice of Jimmy McMillan) meat prices were too damn high, so Lipton tried to help the people out with Make-A-Better Burger. Make-A-Better Burger was like the gourmet version of my mom trying to make the milk last until payday by cutting it with faucet water. Make-A-Better Burger was basically the baby of a veggie burger and a meat burger.

Lipton Make-a-Better Burger makes any ground beef dish taste better because it comes in a lot of tasty flavors – each one with those great Lipton seasonings. And Lipton Make-a-Better Burger makes your ground beef go twice as car because its nutritious soy protein.

Make-A-Better Burger became worm meat sometime in the 80s, because I guess everyone got rich then and could afford all the ground beef in the world. Lipton should really think of bringing it back, but not for burgers. I mean, how many times have you hooked up with a Grindr trick and after he pulls down his chonies to reveal a Triple-I Y dick (aka an “Is it in yet?” dick), you think to yourself, “I really wish an American corporation made some kind of soy-based product that’ll make this dick better.” Make-A-Better Dick™ is what we need!

Pic: Vintage Paper Ads

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