Over the last few days of this Boston heat wave, each time I’ve looked to see how hot it is outside, my iPhone just screams “MORDOR!!!!” at me. With that, I’ve basically just taken to lying on the tile of my kitchen sipping rosé with my dog (I don’t share, of course…that much) while I wait for the delivery man du jour to arrive with whatever nonsense I’ll shove into my gull. Well, if you can believe a new report, that’s a just a typical day for Jessica Simpson, who apparently has only just come to the realization that she’s not going to get a delayed Oscar for Dukes Of Hazzard, and just stays in her mansion running up a tab on delivery services – also known as a day that ends in –y at Mariah Carey’s manor.
Radar claims Jessica has lost all motivation for life (“Girl, so much effing same.” – yours truly), and that’s really giving a boost to the bottom line at Postmates. If you can believe the story, Jessica and husband Eric Johnson have nada to do, so they do the only sports that I find enjoyable: boozing and eating. A source gave the run-down:
“She feels like her acting career over, she’s aged out of Hollywood, and too fat.She doesn’t want to work out like she did before for roles…They rarely leave their huge mansion. And have everything delivered, no matter what it is!”
Jess and Eric allegedly blew $100,000 on Postmates in one month, which means they ordered approximately two pizzas and five lattes.
I was beginning to cry foul since this report is all about how Jessica is bemoaning her career as an actress and how she’s aged out of Hollywood. Don’t they know she got her start as a “singer”?! Well, they claim even her singing has been cast aside. Jessica was allegedly offered a Las Vegas residency, but there was a little hiccup getting in the way:
“She would have had to lose weight for and she didn’t want to, so she declined the offer.”
Jessica, you stop that! As long as you signed your life over into another Viacom blood contract, MTV would make sure you have the second-most popular Vegas residency (ain’t nobody snatching Queen Celine’s crown, huss), and, if anything, you need to gain weight to do a Las Vegas residency – preferably in the form of injectibles in the lips. Just ask Wayne Newton!