Chip And Joanna Gaines Are Parents For The Fifth Time

June 23, 2018 / Posted by:

Posting for Dlisted can often be an educational experience. Before my time here, concepts like lucite heels, the importance of the British Royals and dickmatization were all foreign to me (ok, that last one wasn’t).

As an example, the punctuation known as “question mark” settled upon my frontal lobe when the word “shiplap” came up in reference to former Fixer Upper hosts Chip Gaines, 43, and his possibly-unfamiliar-with-how-the-U.S.-legal-system-works wife Joanna Gaines, 39, having their fifth kid. The fuck is shiplap, I asked? And then I had to educate myself about distressed wood, picture frames that old-timey ship captains might like and really big clocks. And I learned that “shiplap” are those gray planks that have been out in the sun and then tortured by a sander for some rich asshole’s summer cottage. These two live on a dock near a fake eucalyptus grove, right? My education was furthered by learning the Joanna might be displeased with me being married to a large, hairy man who knows computers and likes showtunes and pizza. Well, eff these two and their ugly stuff!

By the way, Joanna had their fifth kid and it’s a boy, according to People. Gotta get the news in there somewhere. Toothy Chip announced the birth via Twitter Bird.

Their unnamed tot (May I suggest “Shiplap Gaines?” Or just call it quits on the down-to-earth act and call the kid “Magnolia,” for branding purposes.) joins his already in progress siblings Emmie Kay, 8, Duke, 9, Ella, 11, and Drake, 13 in their purely decorative manteled palace in Waco, TX.

If you walk into any Tarjhay nowadays, the ground zero of their Home Decor section has a big metal triangle frame marking off and hovering over a fuckload of brass objet, artificial greenery and mini-barn doors to hang over your toilet. That’s Chip and Joanna’s Hearth & Hand™ With Magnolia line and it’s set up so you think that Jesus himself blessed Target with a store within a store. And none of it’s any different than the shit you could buy at Target before, except it’s pricier, because these two and their blinding veneers put their name on it.

Congrats on your fifth kid, but it makes me miss Paige Davis’ “Prison of Love” bedroom. THAT was style AND class.

Pic: Instagram

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