Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 17, 2018 / Posted by:

The Heart Family Grandpa! 

If your favorite kink is to rub your loins to vintage pictures of mustached dads in aviators, nipple-suffocating tight tank tops, ball-crushing terry cloth shorts, and bad perms, then today is your porn Christmas. Because it’s the day that everyone posts hot old pics from the 70s and 80s of their dad looking every shade of fuckable. But if you’re like me and don’t really have pics of your dad and don’t really feel like wishing him a Happy Father’s Day on Facebook since he hasn’t wished you a Happy Birthday for the past 20 years (and yes, I’ll bring that up in therapy again this week), do what I do: post a picture of the Heart Family pepaw with the caption, “Fap to this hot daddy, you tramps!

The Heart Family was made by Mattel and debuted on toy shelves in 1985. They were first introduced as friends of Barbie, but that backstory was later dropped, because how can a perfect and wholesome American family be friends with a world-traveling, pink Corvette-driving, non-married career hussy slut harlot? The original Heart Family was made up of a businessman father, a stay-at-home mom, a little boy and a little girl, and  a dog. They were the perfect family (but you know the dad was a raging cokehead who got his secretary knocked up, the mom was a manic depressive alcoholic who cried at the bottom of a hot shower every night while holding a bottle of vodka, and the dog was eventually put down after attacking one of the kids)!!!!

When the Heart Family, who all stayed nameless, became an international hit, Mattel expanded the family by creating Grandaddy and Grandmama Heart. Grandaddy and Grandmama Heart must’ve been busting out babies before they could legally drink, or they shot their faces up with some wrinkle-killing silicone, because they don’t look like they’ve hit 40 yet. Memaw Heart’s old-timey grandma hair and Little House on the Prairie Easter dress doesn’t fool me. And neither does Pepaw Heart’s silver sprayed hair and abuelito cardigan.

But before you start to think that Memaw And Pepaw Heart were just Mama and Daddy Heart in fuck-effort grandparent drag, they have been spotted in the same place together. All four of them were in this Heart Family commercial:

Whatever the case may be, Pepaw Heart is a certified GILF and what makes him a certified GILF are these important ingredients: those “cool grandad” sneakers, that silver polish-covered hair, the fact that he didn’t even bother old-ing up his brows, his ability to look butch even in a Peter Pan collar, and those arms. Who knew that Werther’s Originals were so heavy?

Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers, grandfathers, stepfathers, father figures, single moms, and sugar daddies out there. And a special Happy Father’s Day to the Heart Family GILF, and now I’d better exit before I really start thirsting over a grandpa doll from the 80s.

Pics: Old Toys, Doll Collector

 

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