Brad Pitt is going to be spending a lot more time with his children now that a judge (who I’m guessing has since been swallowed up by Hell for fucking with St. Angie Jolie) ordered St. Angie to stop keeping their kids from him. But sadly, the child army isn’t going to get laughs from watching daddy’s brain slowly melt out of his ear holes as his architect/MIT professor girlfriend Neri Oxman says hard words like “chair” and “table” while talking about architecture. Because Page Six says that Brad has lost out on his very own Amal Clooney. Neri has decided to stick with her hedge fund billionaire boyfriend.
Brad Pitt may be Brad Pitt, but he’s also got six kids and is in the middle of a chunky shit storm of a divorce fight with a controlling ex. Listening to your boyfriend scream at his ex over the phone as the child army covers you with shaving cream and toilet paper as a joke < sucking on champagne-covered diamonds out of a crystal flute on a private jet to some island you’ve never heard of as your billionaire boyfriend makes big money deals on the phone. That bitch Brad didn’t stand a chance.
Brad and Neri were first rumored to be a thing in April. They were never photographed together, but he did visit her at MIT last year. Some said they were just friends, and others said they were more than friends and he even had a key to her apartment. But because of some new story from Page Six, it seems like either they were really just friends or Neri hit it and quit it while with her billionaire boyfriend. A source says that Neri went to Paris last week to see her Harvard-educated billionaire hedge fund philanthropist boyfriend Bill Ackman play in some tennis tournament. The source says that they looked “very much in love.”
This is what Bill Ackman looks like:
— Page Six (@PageSix) June 13, 2018
A billionaire who waged a war against Herbalife AND a dude who looks like Alan Cumming enough to pull off a passable Emcee while doing Cabaret role playing during fuck times? Brad was eons out of his league.
Page Six’s source also got a little bitchy by saying this:
“Bill won his match, and has won the girl. Brad Pitt will need to up his tennis game — and his educational degrees — if he wants such a super impressive, and highly intellectual woman.”
Oh, St. Angie, I mean, “Page Six’s source,” I love it when you drag a ho. But seriously, that source is a stupid snob. I’ll have them know that Brad has a super impressive degree that reads “Sertifeket of Awesum Art Mayking” hanging in his studio. Yes, he made it himself, but still.
Speaking of shady statements, Angie’s rep had something to say about the details of their custody agreement leaking. In the documents, the judge signed off on Brad getting a lot of time with the kids (with a therapist present) this summer. The judge also let Angie know that she is forbidden from monitoring calls and texts between Brad and the kids. And the judge threatened to give Brad primary physical custody if Angie continues to keep the kids from him. Angie’s rep is livid that some selfish evil-ling “leaked” parts of the custody agreement to paint a false picture.
“It’s deplorable that someone, for their own selfish reasons, leaked selective portions of the confidential and sealed court record to create an inaccurate and unfair picture of what is really happening. This misleading leak is not in the best interests of the children. From the start, Angelina has been focused only on their health and needs, which is why it was so important that this last court hearing be conducted privately.”
It’s obvious who that “someone” they’re talking about is. The only way it could’ve been more obvious is if the statement ended with, “And hahahaha at that someone for getting dumped for an Alan Cumming-looking ass billionaire Harvard graduate!”