Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 13, 2018 / Posted by:

By popular demand, MPRaccoon!

Not since the Balloon Boy saga have so many people’s eyeballs been Super Glued to their screens to watch the harrowing tale of a little thing in peril. (But I swear, I will never trust the already untrustworthy internet again if it’s revealed that the MPRaccoon is really a highly-skilled little human climber in a raccoon costume who was hired by Balloon Boy’s scammer dad.) Nobody cared about Donny and Kimmy’s little Best Friends Forever pendant exchange ceremony yesterday (cut to Putin taking a sledgehammer to the BFF anal ring charm that Donny gave him), because everyone was following the stressful adventures of MPRaccoon.

WCCO says that MPRaccoon’s journey started on Monday when a reporter for Minnesota Public Radio noticed a raccoon trapped on an overhang toward the bottom of the UBS Building in St. Paul, MN. The next day, workers tried to get the raccoon to run down to the safety of the sidewalk by poking at her, but that only made SpiderCoon skedaddle up instead of down. She ran all the way up to the 13th floor of the 25-story building. Everyone was loving MPRaccoon’s journey up to the clouds, but nobody loved it more than the employees in that building, because it gave them a really good reason to not work. Somebody’s gotta take pictures of the Twin Cities’ biggest star (my cheek is burning and that could only be from the ghost of Prince shooting me a devastating side-eye for that). Ben calls MPRaccoon a “he,” but she’s a she. It’s obvious. A dude raccoon would’ve gotten lost, refused to ask directions, and gotten lost some more.

Animal Control said that there was really nothing they could do, because they didn’t want to bring more danger to the raccoon and their workers. They did set up a trap with cat food at the top of the building, which is where MPRaccoon was headed.

Because being an instant hero can be tiring as all fuck, she did stop to rest and get herself together for a minute.

MPRaccoon did get sort of lost at one point. At 10:30pm, she made her way down to the 17th floor. Or maybe she didn’t get lost. Maybe she knew that she was giving the people the story of the year, and every good thrilling story needs some twists and turns, so she kept the suspense and drama going by heading down. But she eventually changed course again and made it to the top at 2:30 this morning. Some tricks fuck their way to the top (see: Lana Del Rey), MPRaccoon crawled her way to the top.

I’m mad at St. Paul for not launching fireworks when the city’s new hero got to the top. Furthermore, the mayor should’ve been up there with the key to the city, or at least the key to that building, so bitch doesn’t have to scale it again and can take the elevator next time.

When she got to the top, she didn’t get the key to the city, but she did get a gourmet meal of some cat food.

MPRaccoon will be released back into the wild. Oh please, now that she knows there’s food waiting for her at the top of that building, she’ll be back. And she’ll bring her mother, her father, her sister, her brother, her aunties, her uncles, her cousins, her second cousins, her second cousins twice removed, her friends, her friends’ friends, etc… Raccoons are like my family. When they see “open bar” on a wedding invitation, they don’t bring a plus one, they bring a plus ten.

That building will soon be covered with raccoons led by their queen: MPRaccoon!

Pic: @RealFreWik

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