Johnny Depp Is In Fine Health And Having A Very Fine Time Indeed

June 7, 2018 / Posted by:

Despite walking around looking like a festively scarfed cadaver, Johnny Depp is doing just fine. A source tells Us Weekly that he’s lost weight on purpose. He’s on the Johnny D diet (it’s the one where you replace all calories with cigarettes) to stay in fighting shape for his band Hollywood Vampires’ rigorous touring schedule. So yes, he is thinner but he’s perfectly healthy, thanks for asking.

Us Weekly reports:

A second insider insists that the 54-year-old actor “purposely lost weight because he’s on tour and is trying to stay in shape.” They also noted that he “doesn’t have any major health issues or anything.”

Case closed, citizen doctors! Forget his waxen complexion and blackened teeth, “Johnny is healthy and enjoying his time on the road with his band”. And I really do think he is having a blast. There’s nothing like going to Germany, where his star shines brighter than ever, and basking in the adulation of fans with standards so low, David Hasselhoff was worshiped as a God, to give a fellow a nice little ego boost.

Seriously, If you look up Hollywood Vampires on Twitter, it’s nothing but a sea of Johnny stans posting their undying love and support. Not one other member of that band is getting the kind of attention Johnny’s getting. I don’t think his band mates are pressed about it though, he’s probably selling the most tickets. And Johnny looks happier than a pig in shit.

In Russia, Johnny got the full Tom Jones treatment.

That grimace on Alice Cooper’s face as he flings that bra away from himself is everything.

Johnny even recorded a  little message to his fans, thanking them for their support.

So there you have it! Johnny’s fit and fancy free. If only he could stay on tour forever. Sure he’s having a blast now, but eventually he’s going to have to come home to a dirty house, a stack of bills, and people throwing shade at him instead of their underwear.


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