Last week, Travelocity’s site crashed after hundreds of millions of Americans went on there to immediately book a one-way trip from (insert your city here) to Fucking Mars after the President of the United States twatted out a picture of him putting on a diarrhea-eating grin next to the President of Fame Whores who would’ve put on a diarrhea-eating grin but her face is permanently stuck in the “sedated Joker” position.
Kim was at the White House to meet with Jabba the Trump and Jared Kushner about a cause that is important to her. Surprisingly, the cause wasn’t to make silicone ass jelly tax-free or to grant her Church of Fame Whores non-profit status (like her mom’s tax shelter, I mean, church). Kim was there to ask Trump to pardon Alice Marie Johnson, a 63-year-old great-grandmother who was a first-time offender and given a life sentence for a non-violent drug charge. Alice and more than a dozen people were busted in a Memphis-based coke trafficking operation. Alice said that she never made any coke deals or handled the bad shit, and all she did was relay coded messages over the phone. Alice was sentenced to life without parole in 1997.
Kim has been trying to get Alice out of prison, and it worked. Trump granted Kim’s wish. I guess piss queens gotta stick together.
Mic, who originally did the video on Alice that Kim saw, announced that Alice will soon be freed from federal prison in Aliceville, Alabama, where she’s been since 1996. They also tweeted the original video of Alice’s story:
— Mic (@mic) June 6, 2018
Shortly after Kim met with Trump, sources told Bloomberg that he let her know that he agreed to a meeting with the wife of Kanye West because he wants to attract more black voters for 2020.
Trump didn’t give Alice a full pardon (I mean, her name is not Martha Stewart). He gave her a commutation, which keeps the conviction on her record but erases the punishment.
Kim celebrated on Twitter and said that she was the one who broke the news to Alice:
The phone call I just had with Alice will forever be one of my best memories. Telling her for the first time and hearing her screams while crying together is a moment I will never forget.
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) June 6, 2018
And she also patted her fellow reality show whore on the taint for releasing Alice:
So grateful to
@realDonaldTrump, Jared Kushner & to everyone who has showed compassion & contributed countless hours to this important moment for Ms. Alice Marie Johnson. Her commutation is inspirational & gives hope to so many others who are also deserving of a second chance. I hope to continue this important work by working together with organizations who have been fighting this fight for much longer than I have and deserve the recognition.
It’s good news that a non-violent first-time offender who got a ridiculous sentence is going to get out of prison. One down…. It’s also nice that Kim did something good for someone other than herself (although, she did get some good PR about it), but Alice Marie Johnson should still watch it. She owes the Kartrashians and they always kollect. So if Alice is ever awaken in the middle of the night by the scent of bronzer-infused sulfur and the sound of heels clacking against her floor, she needs to pull out a white dildo and wave it around while screaming, “I rebuke thee, Khlozilla and Pimp Mama Kris!”