IHOP is the perfect name for drunk messes like me. It’s short, easy to remember, and you can effortlessly slur out its name to your Lyft driver at 3 in the morning after you struck out from getting sausage at the bar and need to drown your miserable rejected loneliness with an actual sausage wrapped in a pancake and slathered with blueberry syrup. That name is perfect and should not be messed with. But because IHOP is an American corporation and American corporations love cackling into the air while fucking with our emotions by pulling some stupid stunt, they’re pulling, what could be, a stupid stunt. They announced on Twitter that they’re flipping the “P” and going from IHOP to IHOb. IHOb better stand for International House of bitch We’re Fucking With You For Attention Because Sales Are Down. (Although, I won’t hate them if they changed their name to honor one of my favorite viral videos and are now the International House of bitch Your Pancakes Look Fine To Me.)
IHOP is stretching out this stunt raw like a b-hole on the toilet after its owner made the mistake of having IHOP’s chicken fried steak (don’t have their chicken fried steak), so they’re waiting until Monday to announce what the “b” means.
— IHOP (@IHOP) June 4, 2018
The theories are that this is just a promo move to introduce some biscuit thing, or a bacon thing, or a breakfast burrito thing. But what if IHOP really is changing their name to IHOb, and soon we’ll see employees on ladders trying to flip the “P” on the sign outside of one of their restaurants? Maybe they’re changing their name to International House of Breakfast, because legal told them that they shouldn’t call themselves International House of Pancakes since their pancakes are neither made in a pan or are cakes. They’re dollops of frozen chemical batter that the cooks heat up in a microwave.
But really, IHOb is a shitty name. It sounds like you’re trying to say IHOP but you’ve got hives on your tongue. That being said, IHOP could change their name to International House of Shit and I’d still go there before Denny’s. Here comes the hate mail from Denny’s stans…