Hot Slut Of The Day!

Fantastic Flowers!

Since lately the sporadic theme of Hot Slut of the Day has been craft kits from the 80s and 90s (see: the Makit & Bakit oven and Dollymaker Boutique), reader Angela reminded me of Fantastic Flowers, the kit that could turn any child into a regular Preston Bailey. Actually, during my research for this educational post, I learned that Preston Bailey actually got his training from the Fantastic Flowers kit. It’s true.

To use Fantastic Flowers (MADE BY ME!), you’d put pieces of scented construction paper (yes, SCENTED, shit was a gift to all your senses) onto a template and then you’d put it in a flower press and out would come glorious petals. Then you’d decorate the petals to create stunning flowers and then you’d use those stunning flowers to create a bouquet that was a million times more opulent and lavish than the raggedy bunch of homely weeds that Duchess Meghan carried during her wedding. The bouquet on the box and the one in the commercial below look like Liberace’s asshole. They look that luxurious and captivating. They look like they were picked from She-Ra’s garden.

Now, I never made a Fantastic Flowers bouquet in real-life, but I’m guessing the ones that kids made for real didn’t look like the one on the box. It probably looked like a sad pile of wrinkled paper sloppily covered with Puffy Paint. Any mother who got an ugly Fantastic Flowers bouquet from their kid probably put on the fakest smile before making a mental note to shove it in the back of a bathroom cabinet along with the hideous pasta shell jewelry box she got for Mother’s Day.

Again, this is why things were better in the 80s and 90s. Children were put to work to learn a trade. A skill! If I had a kid today, I’d get a Makit & Bakit oven, a Dollymaker Boutique, and Fantastic Flowers. Then I’d open up an Etsy shop and sell all of their artisanal, one-of-a-kind, homemade, made in America (by child labor, but still in America) creations. I mean, if Balenciaga can sell at least one $1,290 double dad shirt, then there has to be people out there who will happily buy a raggedy, busted down Fantastic Flowers bouquet lovingly made by a child…. whose crazy daddy is standing over them like, “You’re doing amazing, sweetie, now hurry the hell up because the cable bill is due!”

Pic: Funskool