Archives: May 2018

Will Smith Is Rapping About Those Pesky Divorce Rumors

May 24, 2018 / Posted by:

The only rumor about Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith’s 21-year marriage that has persisted longer than the one about them being swingers, is the one that claims they’re getting a divorce. The divorce rumors seem like a bit of a “So what, who cares?” in the grand scheme of things. But those rumors bother Will enough that he’s started rapping about them.

Will is working on new music, and yesterday, he released a short clip of himself in a studio recording a track called “To The Clique.” I don’t know if it’s because Will is 49, or if it’s some kind of thing he’s trying to do, but for some reason Will now raps like he just finished yelling at the neighborhood kids after he caught them tagging his recycling bins. Unfortunately, he’s gone from rapping about summertime and parents’ lack of comprehension to reciting rhymes that sound like they were ghostwritten by a publicist.

20 years of swag y’all just witnessed
Stop the divorce rumors and mind your damn business!

I get that Will is tired of the rumors, but the part about minding my damn business has me very confused. Will, you can’t tell us to mind our business when you and your family are all too willing to overshare. Here is but a brief list of TMI things I know about Will and Jada: Willow Smith learned about sex by walking in on her parents doing it. Will and Jada might have an open marriage. Jada loves watching her husband fuck on screen. Will takes secret pictures of naked Jada while she’s asleep. Really, Will, you can’t tell us to mind our business and stay out of your personal life when Jada is telling everyone that she’s jerked you off with a grapefruit.

Pic: Wenn.com

Britney Spears: The Broadway Musical Is Going To Be A Thing

May 24, 2018 / Posted by:

Well, the Tonys don’t even need to bother airing in 2019 because we already know what is going to win them all. Lin Manuel-Miranda must be at the trashiest of dive bars drinking cheap gin and wondering why he bothers looking to history for his muse and inspiration when the shiniest of shining Broadway ideas has been goat yodeling at him for years. Britney Spears is getting a musical treatment, y’all! And it sounds like she’s more than happy to sign off on her songs ruling the Great Cheeto White Way!

Us Weekly says Brit Brit took time out of her busy schedule of fashion shows and boyfriend humping on Instagram to fly to New York for a table read of an upcoming musical based on her songs. ABBA must be quaking in their boots because “Mamma Mia” is going to look like Scranton Community Theater compared to “Barefoot At The Gas Station” or whatever it is they want to call Brit’s musical (the working title is Hit Me Baby One More Time). A snitch says the musical is expected to drop in early 2019 and it’s been in the works for a while. Britney even likes it, as the source said she “responded really well” to it. I’m sure that was partially because her manager promised her they could go to the Times Square Olive Garden afterward.

Britney is going back to Las Vegas in early 2019 to begin her residency at the Park Theater, but I think she’s missing an opportunity here! The same Broadway snitch says the role of Britney hasn’t been filled yet! And if Bernadette Peters, Patti Lupone, and Bette Middler can’t do it, who better to play Britney than Britney?!

Pic: Wenn.com

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Mrs. Rojo Caliente Vows To Continue To Run For Governor Even Though She Lost The Democratic Party Nom 

May 24, 2018 / Posted by:

The blacklist at the admissions office of Heaven just got a lot, lot longer with the names of the evil morons who dared to vote against Cynthia Nixon for governor of New York. A vote against Cynthia Nixon is a vote against Rojo Caliente, and a vote against Rojo Caliente is a vote against everything that is good and holy. Those dumb fucks are going to realize they made a mistake when they end up in Hell and find out that the only thing served in the Ninth Circle cafeteria is Sandra Lee’s Kwanzaa Cake.

As we all know, Cynthia is running for governor of New York against the current governor of New York, Mr. Sandra Lee (aka Andrew Cuomo). I’m not a Citizen of New York anymore and Cynthia isn’t really qualified to be the head of NY, but she still has definitely won my vote for three reasons: 1. She’s married to ginger angel Rojo Caliente. 2. She wants to legalize the good shit there. 3. She’s married to ginger angel Rojo Caliente.

Cynthia has been running as an anti-establishment Democrat, and her message is that New York needs a big change. The New York Democratic Party probably shook with fear over “big change” and continued to show that they’re allergic to shaking shit up by overwhelmingly voting to endorse Cuomo. Who cares about them! Cynthia Nixon has already won the support of Samantha Jones and that’s the only endorsement that matters!

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Open Post: Hosted By Jennifer Lopez’s Video For “Dinero” Featuring Cardi B

May 24, 2018 / Posted by:

The Bronx is in the house! Or rather, The Bronx is in the Chateau! Bronx natives Cardi B and Jennifer Lopez have teamed up on a track called “Dinero” and they brought DJ Khaled along for the ride. Here’s the very shiny video directed by Joseph Khan. It’s packed full of tongue-in-cheek product placements which I didn’t really catch until the third viewing. Was it worth repeated viewings? No, it was not.

Man, DJ Khaled about as useful as tits on a boar, which, now that I think about it, is unkindly apt here. Although, it might be kind of fun to hire him for a day to announce my entrance every time I walk into a room. He’s very good at letting you know who people are. But that Robert De Niro pun was unforgivable. Go suck a clit, DJ Khaled!

What I like most about this video is how shiny it is. I love shiny things. I would legit rock one of those sequences jerseys JLo is wearing at the end. I feel like Elizabeth Taylor would enjoy watching this video if she were allowed to wear headphones and listen to Rachmaninoff instead. If I could, I would bedazzle the shit out of everything in sight too. But I wouldn’t bedazzle an elephant. That was wrong. Also, I kept expecting DJ Khaled to run into that set up and yell “Coolio! What!”, “Gangsters’ Paradise, yeah!”, followed by “Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! What!… the hell have I done?”.

Pic: YouTube

Camilla Parker-Bowles Kinda Opened Up About The Royal Wedding

May 24, 2018 / Posted by:

The royal family used to talk to the press with about as much frequency as I go to the gym – aka neverrrr. Things have changed a lot, and the royals do more interviews to advance their causes, so the Duchess of Cornwall aka Camilla Parker-Bowles granted an interview at a recent charity visit…and also spoke up a tad on the wedding of Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle. Continue reading

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