Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 31, 2018 / Posted by:

Patrick The Pole!

Disclaimer: This is another posthumous Hot Slut of the Day, because sadly, Patrick The Pole is now in parking pole heaven, where he’s causing the angels to crash it into him as they try leave the Walmart parking lot. I know, that sentence is insane and factually incorrect. There’s no Walmart in heaven.

St. Mary Parish, Louisiana is home to at least four Popeye’s, and a bunch of famous soldiers, or whatever, called it their homeland, but now the greatest thing to ever happen to that place was and is Patrick The Pole! Now, when I heard that there was something called Patrick The Pole busting out tail pipes and fucking bitches up in St. Mary Parish, I checked for the cheapest flights to Louisiana while giving my b-hole a pep talk. But while Patrick The Pole may sound like the name of a whale hung porn star, it’s the nickname given to a Walmart parking lot pole that has become a local icon.

The next Peabody Award winners won’t be announced until next year, but I have a feeling that the Peabody people are going to make an exception for this captivating and deep investigative saga from KATC and send them a semi-truck full of trophies. The Walker Cronkite of this generation, Mike Carter, went out into the field to do a profile on the controversial Patrick The Pole. Patrick was a four-foot tall yellow concrete pole that was erected at the far end of a Walmart parking lot in Bayou Vista a few weeks ago to keep people from trying to drive around a stop sign. Patrick was causing all kinds of chaos in that Walmart parking lot. Cars kept crashing into him or each other. To paraphrase from whoever wrote that line in Formation for Beyonce: You know you that bitch when you cause all these collisions. 

Mike spoke to both sides. Tiffany Jones said that Patrick is innocent and the ones to blame for the accidents are the dumb tricks who are trying to go around the stop sign and don’t pay attention. But some little boy, who really shouldn’t have been interviewed since he can’t drive, said that this is a serious issue because people could die from it. But the one who really got busted up is Patrick. Toward the end of his too-short life, Patrick looked like me after a night at the bar: bent over, tattered, busted and covered with yellow tape. Patrick still had fans, though, and some people decorated him with “Get Well Soon” balloons and flowers, and took pictures of him.

What happened next is extremely disturbing. Instead of declaring Patrick The Pole a historic monument, which is what they should’ve done, they killed him! This sad pile of dried black gravel, which I guess is like Patrick The Pole’s blood, is all that’s left of the glorious Walmart Parking Lot King of St. Mary Parish. That boy was right. Somebody did die: Patrick!

Or maybe busted down Patrick is having “kidney surgery (read: a full-body makeover) and will soon be back on his concrete throne, ruling those bitches harder than ever. The drivers of Bayou Vista better up their car insurance just in case.

Pics: YouTube, KATC/Shelly

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