Presenting The Duke And Duchess Of SuckItPeasants

May 19, 2018 / Posted by:

Or maybe, their official royal title is: Duke and Duchess of SucksToBeYouWhores. I can’t remember which one THE QUEEN went with.

I’m currently standing outside of a Best Buy waiting for the Geek Squad to open, and that could mean only one thing: I need to get my TV fixed because I charged at it, knocking it off the wall after the Archbishop of Canterbury Tales asked if anyone objects to this union. Or at least I think he said that. It could’ve been a case of wishful thinking mixed with sleep deprivation on my part. But it is official: Duchess Meghan (née Rachel Meghan Markle) became my idol/forever object of my jealousy, because not only does she get to jump on Prince Hot Ginge’s fiery royal crotch scepter on the regular, but she now she gets to do it as his legally wedded spouse.

The third in line to the throne, 33-year-old Prince Hot Ginge, married former star of Suits, 36-year-old Meghan Markle, in front of approximately 9,200 celebrities and one of her relatives (her mom Doria Ragland) today. I say “second in line to the throne,” because during the 30-year-long ceremony both THE QUEEN and Prince Charles went off to heaven and Prince William rejected the crown knowing that it rightfully belongs to his son King George. After the wedding, PHG and Duchess Meghan went out of the church to greet the “special invited guests” who had to sit on the damn lawn (and you know THE QUEEN later turned on the sprinklers and sicced the dogs on them). The train on Duchess Meghan’s dress caused so much delays that you’d think Governor Cuomo was in charge of it.

Because they’re more simple and not totally lavish attention whores like Prince William and Duchess Kate, they had their first kiss on the steps of the church instead of on a palace balcony.

But they did do one of those Disney princess carriage rides:

And I’m going to take us back into the church for one of my favorite moments: when PHG told me I looked amazing as I lay on the sofa in cut-off sweat shorts, a holey t-shirt and the corner of my eyes filled with sleep turds.

That lip bite. That lip bite said, “I’m gonna hit it so hard that my granny and all the other royals who have to watch us do our first wedded fuck are going to clutch the life out of their pearls.” (They still do that tradition, right?) My loins’ cause of death: that lip bite.

Pics: @GMA, Wenn.com

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