Yesterday morning, Meghan Markle’s dad Thomas Markle had his chest opened up and his heart operated on in a hospital in Rosarito, Mexico. He was well enough to talk to TMZ shortly after going through major fucking surgery, so that’s a good sign, I guess. But even though Thomas is well enough to talk to his new BFF Harvey Levin, he’s obviously not well enough to sit in coach for a 10+ hour flight to London. I say coach, because you know THE QUEEN isn’t about to open up her pocketbook and pull out coins to upgrade a trashy American traitor who has stained her family’s pristine image of never ever selling each other out or acting a mess. NEVER!
Since any royal news isn’t official until it’s hear ye hear ye’d out by the modern day version of the town crier (read: Twitter), Kensington Palace tweeted a note from Meghan where she confirmed that the father she’s always “cared” for isn’t going to her wedding. Yes, she said “cared” and not “loved.” There really hasn’t been nearly enough stories about this fucking wedding, so it’s a good thing she used “cared” in her statement, because now we’ll get 12,000 think pieces about that. Yay!
Here’s what she said:
A statement from Ms. Meghan Markle: pic.twitter.com/TjBNarmuBU
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) May 17, 2018
Kensington Palace didn’t say who will strut down the aisle with Meghan. Many are guessing her mom Doria Ragland will do it, and others think she’ll solo it. Or maybe it’s Elton John! She could also take up Prince George’s offer to walk her down the aisle, but if she does, she should get some kneepads sewn into her bridal hose, because he’s gonna trip her.
As for other members of the family that make the Lohans say, “What gutter trash!,” Samantha “I’m Changing Back My Last Name So Everyone Knows I’m Related To Meghan” Markle, ended up in the hospital yesterday with a broken ankle. Strangely enough, Samantha didn’t break her ankle while trying to pull her foot out of her mouth finally. Samantha tells TMZ that she and her boyfriend were being chased by a paparazzo near a toll booth in Florida when the pap suddenly got in front of them to get a clear shot. Samantha’s boyfriend swerved to avoid the paps and crashed into a concrete barrier. Samantha, who has MS and has to use a wheelchair, hit the windshield and twisted her ankle.
Samantha is supposed to drag a bitch, I mean provide commentary, during her estranged half-sister’s wedding for British TV and I’m sure she’ll be well enough for that. The thought of dragging Meghan Markle for a check is her morphine.
And if you were screaming, “MAKE THE MADNESS STOP,” all through this post, then I have two things to say to you:
- Why are you reading this shit then?
- Go sit with Emma Thompson.
"Stop it. Just stop it, OK? Stop doing the, 'Ooh, let's talk about the royal wedding'."
— News Breakfast (@BreakfastNews) May 14, 2018