UPDATE: The drama never ends… Forget what I wrote below about Thomas Markle going to the wedding. He tells TMZ he’s not going because tomorrow morning, surgeons will open him up, clear the blockage in his heart and put in a stent. Thomas also blames his son’s handwritten open letter to Prince Hot Ginge via InTouch Weekly (the one where his son implores PHG to not marry Megan) for his heart attack. I would say that’s that, but we know it isn’t, because we know Meghan’s shitty half-siblings are going to crash the wedding and tackle her for brainwashing their dad against them. Can’t wait!
Send thoughts, prayers, condolences and the lyrics of a Kelly Clarkson song to my toilet, because for the past couple of days, my body has been possessed by some evil stomach flu (or food poisoning) devil. It’s obvious that the British royal family sent James Bond to California to sprinkle salmonella in the fried chicken I had on Mother’s Day dinner so that I’d be too busy having an exorcism in my bathroom to write about the family drama messiness going down around the royal wedding. Yes, that makes 100% sense!
When I last wrote about the royal wedding situation that’s even messier than the current state of my insides, Thomas Markle told TMZ that he’s not walking Meghan Markle down the aisle this Saturday because he’s not going to London. Thomas Markle claimed he had a heart attack last week, but something called a “serious medical emergency” wasn’t the reason why he wasn’t going to the wedding. Thomas was embarrassed after getting caught taking staged pap pics. Now he’s telling his new best friends at TMZ that he is planning to go to the royal wedding even though his heart isn’t in it. And I’m talking about in a medical way, because he’s apparently having more heart trauma.
After Thomas Markle announced that he’s staying away from the royal wedding, Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge released this statement:
“This is a deeply personal moment for Ms. Markle in the days before her wedding. She and Prince Harry ask again for understanding and respect to be extended to Mr. Markle in this difficult situation.”
Since that statement came out, rumors have been spewing out of tabloids like salmonella-laced-by-Bond chicken has been spewing out of my body. THE QUEEN and Prince Philip are supposedly really mad over Thomas Markle doing something so uncouth like working with the paps. And Meghan was supposedly trying to convince her dad to come to her wedding.
Thomas was dealing with chest pains again yesterday and instead of, I don’t know, calling a doctor, he spoke to TMZ and told them that he’s going to take himself to the hospital and thinks that Meghan’s mom Doria Ragland should be the one to walk her down the aisle.
Thomas is back in the hospital, but he somehow found the time in between getting tests to talk to TMZ today. Thomas said that Meghan tried calling him yesterday but he wasn’t near his phone. So she texted him saying that she loves him, is worried about his heart issues, and isn’t mad at him for the staged photos. Thomas is now trying to flutter the staged paparazzi pic drama away and is going to try to get to London so he can walk Meghan down the aisle. But the doctors tell him his heart was “seriously damaged” by the heart attack and they aren’t sure if he’ll be able to make it to ONE OF THE GREATEST MOMENTS IN HISTORY!!!
“I hate the idea of missing one of the greatest moments in history and walking my daughter down the aisle.”
Meanwhile, Thomas’ other daughter Samantha Markle and her safety scissors-cut bangs were back on TV in the U.K. Samantha was on Good Morning Britain today to do her new full-time job of spilling shit about her family for attention and a check. Samantha said that she hopes her dad goes to the wedding, and then dried period cherry Piers Morgan dragged her for selling her sister out. Trying to choose which team you’re on in this fight is like trying to choose which team you’re on in a fight between a hemorrhoid and a urethra wart:
Thomas also told TMZ that Samantha hasn’t had any relationship with Meghan for years, so she’s talking out of her ass, basically.
That Markle family, what a wreck. It’s a good thing that Meghan is marrying into such a sane, supportive, and non-messy family…
Here I was thinking that I’d need to freebase crushed No-Doz at 1 in the morning to stay awake for that wedding, but now I don’t need to since the drama will keep my eyes open. And even though I have hooked up with a nurse practitioner in the back of a Prius once, I am not a medical professional, but I still don’t think it’s the best idea to take a 10+ hour flight across an ocean when your heart isn’t acting right. Let’s say Thomas makes it to England without any health issues, what if halfway down the aisle, he suffers more chest pains, collapses and as Meghan drops to his side, PHG realizes this is all a bad omen, cancels the wedding, and becomes single again. And no there wasn’t a glimmer of happiness in my eye and a smile on my face when I typed that last sentence. I’m not that much of a frostbitten demon bitch. I only smiled at the last part.
Besides, if that did happen, THE QUEEN would have her minions drag Thomas Markle to the side as a look-alike they hired for an emergency was brought in.