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May 7, 2018 / Posted by:

Freakies cereal!

Freakies were actually a creation from the 1970s. They came from Ralston, who is responsible for most cavities that grew in the mouths of children in the 70s and 80s, because they gave us sugar-filled sugar dingles like Dunkin’ Donuts, Breakfast with Barbie, Nerds, Cookie Crisp, Cracker Jack Cereal, Rainbow Brite, Nintendo, Ghostbusters, and on and on and on…

Freakies was Ralston’s first sweet cereal for children, and someone was definitely dropping LSD when they came up with it. Freakies were gross creatures that looked like mutated boogers, tonsil stones, syphilis warts, urethra pimples and other things you don’t want to put in your mouth unless you’re a really disgusting SUCIO freak. Each creature had their own name and personality, like Snorkledorf the conceited one, Gargle the smart snobby one, Hamhose the shy one, and BossMoss the bossy one. They were like the Smurfs if the Smurfs were born from a free clinic petri dish.

Based on what the Freakies looked like, you might think that the cereal tasted like diseased gums and dried nubs of blue waffle discharge, but they were just sweetened oats like Cheerios. Each box came with its own Freakie. And in this commercial, the Freakies performed a big, giant Broadway number. (If only they came out much later, they would’ve been turned into a Broadway musical and been nominated for 12 Tonys like SpongeBob!)

Ralston started selling Freakies in 1972, and they later put out other flavors like Cocoa Freakies and Fruity Freakies. All Freakies were gone before the 1980s began. The reason why I thought Freakies were from the 80s is because Ralston brought them back in 1986, and this time, Freakies came from space. So basically, the aliens picked off their STD warts and threw them down to earth, and that’s how the new Freakies came to be. It flopped and was off shelves quickly.

It’s a damn shame that Freakies were just too freaky (and disgusting) for breakfast time, but two of them did fall in love and bareback bone until they made a baby. And that baby grew up and became the famous face of international brand Mucinex!

At least one Freakie made it in showbiz.

Pic: Geek Tyrant

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