Shake out those wrists and crack your knuckles, it’s time for another game of Tweet Fighter! Last time we played, Donald Trump get owned by Alec Baldwin. This time, it’s the president’s alleged mistress vs. the president’s favorite TV mom.
Let’s get started but first you must choose your player.
Player 1, Roseanne Barr: Conservative nut job with a network TV show. Special powers: Nostalgia, Loud, abrasive voice that can burst eardrums but is diminished in the Tweet Fighting arena, is friends with the President of the United States. Weakness: Is dumb.
Player 2, Stormy Daniels: Porn star and alleged ex-mistress of The President Of The United States. Special Powers: Name kind of sounds like a superhero, Sex positivity, is friends with Michael Avenatti The Hottie. Weakness: Fucked Donald Trump.
Please note that you’re going to have to play as Stormy in the first couple of rounds because Rosanne is very busy at the moment pimping her show and patting herself on the back.
Are you ready to rumble?
Round 1: Who You Callin’ A Ho?
The inciting incident for this battle was a deleted tweet from an account that has since been suspended. The tweet said “lowest of the low prostitute talking shit, jog on”. Here’s Stormy’s round 1 volley.
Have you seen my tits? (Of course, you have) I don't jog anywhere. So I'll just sit here, sipping my coffee and talking shit. Xoxo https://t.co/fnsJ5SVcO2
— Stormy Daniels (@StormyDaniels) May 3, 2018
Stormy isn’t a hooker, dummy. You played yourself. Advantage: Stormy
Round 2: Class Acts
Some lady chimes in with another dig at Stormy, calling her “class” into question.
You're disgusting and do not represent classy women AT ALL! Your fifteen minutes of fame will be up soon and we will all be thrilled when that day comes!
— Sassy Southern Diva (@ChapelHillDiva) May 3, 2018
I must have missed it when Stormy was giving lectures on How To Keep It Classy When Getting Your Ass Chewed Out For Profit, and I’m sorry if I did. Sassy Southern Diva, have you been paying attention at all? Advantage: Stormy.
Round 3: Remember That Weird Movie Tiptoes?
Medium star Patricia Arquette (yes that does work 2 ways, thanks for noticing) jumps in because we’re all connected in this crazy journey we call life.
Following this logic -If she doesn’t represent “classy women” I guess that means the President represents classless men? Hmm. Interesting. ..
— Patricia Arquette (@PattyArquette) May 4, 2018
Meh. Advantage: Nobody
Round 4: Enter The Dragon
Here comes “America’s mom” Roseanne Barr with the fire!
she's known for anal porn scenes.
— Roseanne Barr (@therealroseanne) May 4, 2018
Yes, “America’s mom” is on here talking about anal sex with a porn star who allegedly fucked the sitting President of The United States and I’m here making stupid jokes about it like it’s no big deal because this is where we are. We’re here. Anyway, I can’t give this to Rosanne because this observation is apropos of nothing. Advantage: Our nation’s enemies.
Round 5: Do You Even Anal?
Storm’s a brewin’ and here comes the thunder.
I don't even do anal movies, you ignorant twat. That's like saying you are known for your beautiful rendition of The Star Spangled Banner. https://t.co/azOOZMDGdw
— Stormy Daniels (@StormyDaniels) May 4, 2018
Twat is one of my absolute favorite words so, Advantage: Stormy!
That should be the end of this Tweet Fight battle but a dark horse just entered the race out of left field, rendering my clumsy attempts at sports analogy obsolete!
Perhaps you meant, "She's known for fucking assholes?" It's different.
— Nancy Goldstein (@nancygoldstein) May 4, 2018
Advantage: Nancy! In fact, the entire battle goes to Nancy, a self-proclaimed “unrepentant meat-eating lesbian & proud 3rd generation Liberian”. The rest of you can go home, Nancy’s got it from here.