Xtina is back (I think I’ve typed that at least 4,500 times since this blog began) and she’s got a new album coming out called Liberation. The video for the first single, Accelerate (featuring Ty Dolla $ign, 2 Chainz and produced by the reincarnation of Harriet Tubman), was dropped onto the eyes of the internet today, and she’s extra thirsty in it. But you can’t blame her. You’d be extra thirsty too if the only things you put in your mouth were Crystal Gravy, milk, and the wet farts of Vanity Smurf (read: blue glitter).
The last time we saw Xtina, she had dropped her signature lead-based red lip paint and orange-colored face spackling paste into the dumpster and went SANS FARDS for Paper Magazine. And she’s left the lip paint and face spackling paste in the dumpster. In Accelerate, Xtina’s DuPont brand red lip paint has been replaced with gallons of corn syrup, Vaseline, and blue glitter. The video is very Dead Petz era Miley Cyrus meets a 90s Calvin Klein ad meets Iggy Azalea playing around in Rihanna’s old clothes.
And now that I look at this video again. That’s not Vaseline or corn syrup or Crystal Gravy or lube. It’s the filler from Xtina’s lips leaking out. Girl, get thee to Dr. Nassif, STAT!
That song is too much of a Cardi B reject for me to be into, but I am fully into the video. Dirrty Xtina is my favorite Xtina. Although, she could’ve kept all those close-up shots of her looking like she just tossed the sloppy salad of a blue glitter unicorn. That might bring the tingles for Mariah Carey, but not me.