Just try to ignore that tragic poster, which looks like a no-budget travel ad done by an intern on MS Paint using the cheapest clip art they could find (see: that random peacock and Liberace’s anal beads aka those rhinestone disco balls).
When I was laid up in my bed with a jacked-up retina for weeks, my ears swallowed up many audio books including the entire Crazy Rich Asians series. I swallowed those books up like they were an 8″ peen, because as someone who thinks Jackie Collins is the greatest thing to happen to words, the Crazy Rich Asians series has everything I want: opulence, intrigue, glamour, bitchery, and a plot easy enough for my simple brain to follow. So I’ve been waiting and waiting for a trailer for the film version, which is Hollywood’s first all-Asian cast movie since The Joy Luck Club. A teaser trailer was released a few days ago, and it got me nervous, thinking that those cheap bitches in Hollywood turned it into On-A-Budget Asians by making it look like a Lifetime movie. But the full trailer is out and it is ˈä-pyə-lənt. Well, most of it is anyway.
The basic plot of the first Crazy Rich Asians book is that an American-born Chinese professor named Rachel (played by Constance Wu, and the role would’ve been played by someone like Kristen Bell if one producer got their wish) gets invited to the Singapore wedding of her Chinese boyfriend’s best friend. Rachel doesn’t know much about her British accent-having boyfriend’s family, and I guess she doesn’t know how to Google either. She goes to Singapore and gets shoved into a diamond-encrusted bubble of lavishness after finding out that her boyfriend is the “it” dreamboat of Asia whose family is old money and richer than Oprah. While her boyfriend’s friends accept her, his snobby mom (played by Michelle Yeoh) thinks she’s common American trash!
Here’s the trailer:
I’ll wait hear as you wash your ears out after exposing them to that Macklemore song for the billionth time.
A few things stood out for me in that trailer, like Michelle Yeoh already winning me over by putting a peasant in her place with just one cutting look. (Side note: That chick to the right is me at every wedding.)
Rachel’s man’s best friend marries Araminta Lee who’s supposed to be a fashion icon. So I hope they explain why her wedding dress looks like some tacky mess a Real Housewife of Las Vegas would wear to her third wedding. That being said, I love it.
While watching the trailer, I kept waiting for my favorite character, gold digging blossom Kitty Pong, to pop up, and I think this is her:
And finally…. THIS WIG:
Awkwafina, who is also in Ocean’s 8, plays Rachel’s friend from college Peik Lin. Peik Lin’s family is new money and she helps Rachel. I have so many questions. Why does Peik Lin talk like Woah Vicky? More importantly, why is she wearing an off-brand Sandy Duncan wig bought for $3.99 at a costume store? Peik Lin’s supposed to be rich! There better be a scene in the movie where Rachel says to Peik Lin, “Bitch, I can’t take your advice when you made the decision to do yourself up like Charlie from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Cheer Charlie up by giving him his hair back.”