Donald Trump definitely spent 90% of his morning and afternoon (okay, 100% of his morning and afternoon) sounding out the words while writing, “invoise 2 Stormee Danyulls: one millyun dollers 4 openeneng up yr hor mouf on tevees,” on his presidential stationary today. Because Stormy Daniels violates the NDA she signed with Trump every time she publicly talks about their alleged one-night fuck. And she earned herself another $1 million violation today when she talked about it on The View with her panty cream-inducing stubble head lawyer Michael Avenatti.
Stormy didn’t really say anything she hadn’t already said on 60 Minutes, but she did bring the pecking hens of The View something new. She brought them a sketch of the goon she claims threatened her and her daughter. The sketch has got the internet playing a big ole’ game of Harpo, Who Dis Goon?
Stormy said on 60 Minutes that in 2011, she was in the parking lot of her fitness class and was busy getting her baby daughter out of the car when a man got in her space. The man got all threatening-like and said to her, “Leave Trump alone. Forget the story. That’s a beautiful little girl. It’d be a shame if something happened to her mom.” This was right after InTouch refused to publish the story she told them about the night a very-married Trump boned her.
Because of the sketch, Tom Brady was trending on Twitter today. Some see Trump’s football-playing bro-friend when they look at that sketch. Sure, I sort of see it, but that’s ridiculous. Tom Brady menacing?! Stormy would obviously know it was Tom Brady and say, “Tom, sweetie, stop it,” before pulling out a strawberry from her daughter’s snack box and waving it at him. A cloud of smoke would fill the scene as Tom skedaddled out of there while screaming for his mommy Gisele.
Other people have seen Willem Dafoe. He would NEVAH! He’s an anti-Trumper.
And Dexter. But Dexter did illegal things for good, not evil!
And The Mooch.
And a young Harry Hamlin.
And Gary Johnston from Team America.
And last (and definitely least), the beefier ghost of Richard Ramirez.
I mean, it was obviously Eric Trump in an off-brand Tom Brady mask and a luscious wig.
But whoever that goon is, he’s in the wrong business. With those cut-a-bitch cheekbones, sex-me-up eyes, and sumptuous serving of hair on his head, he shouldn’t be threatening to hurt women in parking lots. He should be murdering pussies everywhere in fashion ads. If he came out and apologized to Stormy for threatening her, he’d probably become the new darling of the fashion world and before he knows it he’ll be partying on yachts and knocking up a billionaire heiress.