With an album to promote and a finally confirmed bun in the oven, Cardi B has some work to do to keep those sales up, okerrrrr? Because she must have run out of shit to say about Nicki Minaj, Remy Ma, and Lil’ Kim, Cardi decided to use a GQ interview to run the gamut on everything from the New Deal, illegal butt injections, and being in a gang. I hope we can expect the same from Ariana Grande the next time she has new material!
GQ has a long-ass interview with her, and it all begins with barbecue and chatter about F.D.R. GQ notes that Cardi wore a sweater that said: “Designer Pussy.” I can’t wait to find one of those in the bargain bin at T.J. Maxx in a few years. Rather than start the sit-down with talk about what bitch she’s gonna cut with some lyrics on her next single, Cardi tossed it back to the nation’s 32nd president:
“I love government. I’m obsessed with presidents. I’m obsessed to know how the system works…First of all, he helped us get over the Depression, all while he was in a wheelchair. Like, this man was suffering from polio at the time of his presidency, and yet all he was worried about was trying to make America great—make America great again for real. He’s the real ‘Make America Great Again,’ because if it wasn’t for him, old people wouldn’t even get Social Security.”
Well, I’ll be! Move over, Elle Woods! We might have ourselves a new legal eagle in the making! Cardi broke down the high points of the New Deal and even showed off how she can spit out knowledge on every president on demand. But don’t worry, fans. She quickly segued into more important topics…namely, that time she got insecure because a dude cheated on her with a woman with a thicker booty, and the women with bigger asses made bigger money at the strip club. Naturally, Cardi’s solution was to head to some suspect chick’s basement in Queens and pay her $800 for illegal butt injections:
“They don’t numb your ass with anything. It was the craziest pain ever. I felt like I was gonna pass out. I felt a little dizzy. And it leaks for, like, five days.”
Now, if you aren’t vomiting a little from that story, you might assume Cardi learned from her ways and decided to either go to a reputable plastic surgeon the next time around or just skip the procedure altogether. You would be wrong because she went back looking for a second helping:
“But by the time I was gonna go get it, the lady got locked up ’cause she’s supposedly killed somebody. Wellsomebody died on her table.”
Caity Weaver, who interviewed Cardi for GQ, wanted to tackle the subject of whether or not she is a member of the Bloods or its Brims subsidiary, since she’s all about the color red and last year tweeted: “Cardi FUCKIN B and the B stands for Brim.” Cardi confirmed that she is, and will probably be forever:
“Bloods. I used to pop off with my homies. And they’d say, ‘Yo, you really get it poppin’. You should come home. You should turn Blood.’ And I did. Yes, I did. And something that—it’s not like, oh, you leave. You don’t leave. Stripping changed my life. When I was a stripper, I didn’t give a fuck about gangs, because I was so focused on making money.”
Cardi has been pretty upfront about how she did well as a stripper, and she makes it sound like you don’t make any money being in a gang. It’s just a race to see who can get a bigger title while losing a shit ton in the process (isn’t that just called Scientology?). While it sounds like she’s moved on from the gang days, she still checks in with her “homies” to renew her license from time to time, which sounds an awful lot like how my mom has renewed her hairdresser license once a year just so she can continue to get a discount when she buys hairspray at Sally’s Beauty Supply. Gangs…hairdressing school…discount hairspray…same thing!