Every now and then when I see a Lauren Conrad anything at Kohl’s, I get wistful and this strong desire hits me to flip through Teen Vogue and go for after work drinks and bitch with my biddies at Les Deux. Sadly, Teen Vogue no longer cranks out something to flip through, and Les Deux is closed, but thank GAWD Heidi Montag is a media whore and gives us our daily dose of The Hills. This time around it’s to tell us how her love of plastic surgery nearly sent her to the afterlife for good.
Paper magazine decided to check in with Heidi and her husband Spencer Pratt. Before Heidi was breastfeeding her 6-month-old son Gunner, she was repeatedly going under the knife. Hell, that was pretty much her plot point one season when she went back to Colorado and scared her family with her surgically modified lewk. She liked plastic surgery so much that she had ten surgeries in one day back in 2009. I don’t know what doctor signs off on that, but it most certainly wasn’t a good idea because Heidi said she briefly mingled with St. Peter at the gates of heaven. She didn’t say if he looked at her eyes or her massive tits:
“Spencer thought he lost me. I died for a minute. With that much surgery, I had to have 24-hour nurse care and Spencer didn’t want to leave my side. I was at a recovery center and had Demerol to deal with the pain because it was so extreme. My security guards called Spencer and told him, ‘Heidi’s heart stopped. She’s not going to make it.’ And I easily could’ve. Cutting yourself up isn’t something I’d recommend, and Demerol isn’t anything to play around with. That’s howMichael Jackson died.”
Heidi never told her friends or family about the procedure, but Spencer being the mess that he is, gave his support for her to go to Dr. Frank Ryan and get a chin reduction, brow-lifts, ear pinnings, a second rhinoplasty and a second breast augmentation. (My grocery list is shorter than this!).
Heidi eventually had her F-sized breast implants removed and basically says it took hitting rock bottom like that to get back on track. She also said people were a bunch of meanies since back in her day everyone was Team Lauren and sending bad energy her way. Buck up, Heidi! You lived in the glory days! If you so much as allude to not liking someone these days, you get an onslaught of bee or snake emojis and get name-checked in a Beyoncé long-form music video. What sacrifices did you ever face? No parking in front of Kitson?